It is now 4:15 am.
I woke up sober. I can’t sleep.
I feel guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed. I know what’s wrong with me.
I am a drunk.
Every day I tell myself that tomorrow will be different.
I am sick of lying to myself.
I am sick of feeling like the worst mother in the world.
I love my son more than anything, and I wish that was enough.
I wish his smile would fulfill me, and I didn’t need to drink first thing in the morning.
I wish one drink didn’t turn into 15. I know what’s wrong with me.
I am a drunk.
I don’t deserve my sweet son and that makes me cry.
I wish this never started.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I hate the thought of being sober, but I hate the thought of ruining our lives.
I know this is no way to live, but I don’t know what to do, or if I could ever do it.
I feel trapped.
This was submitted by an Anonymous SoberMommy.
20 Comments
I cannot express to you how grateful I am that you reached out and submitted this post. It is extremely brave of you and I hope you know how strong you are. I can identify with all of these feelings so much, and I hope that you will give yourself a chance. Please reach out to us again.
Please don’t give up. XOXO
Reach out, you must ask for help, sending prayers.
This is such a brave, courageous poem! I remember feeling that way, hopeless, defeated, worthless, and ready to throw in the towel! By the grace of God and my family I didn’t and I’m sober today! To the brave person who wrote this please know your not alone and that we believe in you! Were here if you need us without judgment, blame, criticism, anytime you need it. We’ve been where you are and we know there’s hope….in your darkest days we help be the light that gets you through it! We don’t need to know your name and you can remain anonymous just know please that your not alone and were here for you to help in anyway we can!
My goodness. I want to scoop this author up & love her. I admire the courage it takes to write this. My darling Sister. When you’re ready. We are here. We love you & we won’t judge you.
I am a drunk too. A little over 3 years ago, I laid on the floor of my bedroom in the middle of the day, weeping. My son was at pre-school and I was alone. I hated myself , I hated God, and what’s worse, I hated my child for making me love him so much and for being the one thing preventing me from doing what I really wanted to do-die. I had tried everything- therapists, self help books, yoga, even al anon and had ended up in the same place over and over again- drunk. The way I saw it I had 2 options 1) Death 2) AA/Sobriety, #1 was most appealing, but I thought I owed it to my son to at least make an attempt at #2. I found a women’s meeting in the basement of a church near my home, I was late and wanted to turn around but something pushed me. I walked into the room of women and as soon as I opened my mouth I began to sob. For the first time ever, I was honest and vulnerable. The women embraced me and welcomed me home. A little over 3 yrs later, I am still sober- a miracle. You are not alone. There is hope. We need you. You are home. Please keep coming back.
So many of us have been here! You are not alone and there are people like me who will love you until you can learn to love yourself. When you say ‘I hate the thought of being sober’ I’m sure you mean..life as it feels today, just without alcohol. That is what I thought but sobriety is so much more! You can gain so much more than you lose and things like sweet smiles do become enough to get you through the day, the moment. Keep reaching out. Every time you do, you might push the door of willingness open just enough until you realized you aren’t trapped anymore.
I feel her pain. I’ve been there myself and just want to hug her and tell her it will be okay!
To the Author~ I so understand how you feel. I have been there also. Sobriety may sound scary and the thought of not having alcohol at hard times maybe a bit hard but over time it gets so much easier. You do deserve your sweet son and he deserves you, his mother. The only mother he will only have. Please reach out for help~ don’t be ashamed. I did and as soon as I did I felt the weight listed off my shoulder. WE are here for you~ Prayers to you~ Momma Bee
You’re not alone. Too many of us have been there. We know how it feels to be so hopeless but you’re worth fighting for. Fight for it. I promise you, you can do it and you will learn to love yourself. You deserve all the love in the world. I didn’t see it when I was trapped but I stepped away from the wine b/c the other option I was considering was thinking about killing myself and I knew that I had to really try sobriety at least once. If I didn’t find that I was worth fighting for, I could always go back. At least that was what I thought at the time. The first week is freaky and there is so much to learn but every day it gets better. Fight, you’re worth it. We all stand beside you.
My respect for you take a lot of courage to do what you just did i been there i know how you feel you just did the first step admitting you have a problem just to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE we are here to help you & your life will get better i promise you just go to a meeting & reach out you will be amaze what can we do together my prayers on your way.
I have been there too, in that hell of guilt/not coping/ drinking (in the end 24/7)/ guilt and so on and soforth. I went into rehab and have now been sober 9 months. This poem touched my heart and I just want to hug you. You are not alone. And it will be alright. So brave to post this. Bless you xxx
Be gentle with yourself. Big hugs. Big huge hugs… 🙂
I never wanted to be a drunk. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. There was so much shame and guilt. I tried to end it all because I could see no other way out. I pleaded with God to take my life…or give me a new one because I just could not go on any longer living the life I was living. It was in that darkest moment that I found the willingness to go to my first AA meeting. It was a woman’s meeting at noon, because I knew I would be drunk again if I waited. For the first time in many years, I actually felt hope. Those woman were so kind and loving and told me that I did not ever have to feel that way again.
That was June 14th, 2004, and those women were right! I could not imagine going 1 day without a drink, but by the grace of God and the AA program, I will celebrate 10 years next month! Today my life has purpose and is filled with so much love…and all because of that seed of hope that was planted at my first meeting.
There is a solution!! May God bless you with the strength and courage to go to an AA meeting. It works! It really does! ?
Brave girl…you reached out in your own way. We have all been there. Coming to with a thud instead of just waking up. Wondering why this happens over and over again.
Echoing the others that there is a solution. Recovery is available to anyone who honestly wants it.
I really encourage you to find a local twelve step recovery group. You don’t have to do this alone. Keep reaching out to Sober Mommies. We’re here for you and want to help.
I identify!!!
I am a high functioning drunk! This is why I am supposed to be a teacher, but I can’t teach. I am just riding the system. Please help me, asap!!
I, too, am a drunk. I woke at 5:30am, tired, my head hurt – my husband had just yelled at me again that he could not stand the drinking. And I cannot decide if I am slowly trying to kill myself, and should just hurry the process along, or if I can stop. The idea of facing life head on is horrible. I don’t drink every day. Sometimes not even once a week. But right now? Right now I really want to. There’s too much to face and I am simply sick of me.
I need help…
Hello Ola, What can we do to help you?
Hi I was always full of responsibility helping others out. Saying to my ex boyfriend every weekend you can not drink we have to solve this. There must be a way how we can be happy with the small things you and me spending time togheter. Now I am alone and the person who didn’t know what to hang out was is hanging out too much. My life stopped… the people who I was an example for can not longer rely on the teacher I once was. I am a drunk most of my friends are students in town who taught me what hanging out was. Still I would like to keep them in my live because otherwise I am alone and I would drink by myself…what makes me feel more bad about myself. I feel bad because I can’t see a future anymore always be a motivator to others and very disappointing that other ones would not do it for me. Always the same story with the people I love I bring them up when they are down and then I am not the one who they want to stay with… I feel like I am trapped that I can’t follow what the normale ones are doing I have to start from the beginning again and that demotivated me when I am around the ones who think and are what I was and had before… so I num myself..