I am the mother of an amazing eight-year-old girl. I am a fabulous dressing, master’s degree holding, funny divorcée.
I don’t look like a meth addict.
I got sober three years before my daughter was born, and remained that way for over ten years. My daughter had never seen me drink, she had never seen me use, and she had never had the chaos of my addiction thrust upon her.
Until a year ago when I relapsed on meth during my divorce.
I told myself I needed it because I have ADD. I told no one and used alone, which made it even easier for me to lie to myself and pretend like it wasn’t happening. Until I met an amazing man who ultimately discovered my disgusting secret, and everything exploded.
I smoke meth. I get high at home and at work. I get high before I go to the grocery store, the mall, the pool and the beach. I’m high in the Catholic school parking lot. My daughter is heartbroken, and I am devastated – at least I think I am. I know I should be; and I definitely will be, as soon as the numbness this drug creates wears off again.
I’m supposed to check in to detox in an hour, and I’ve been chasing my tail all night trying to get ready. I’ve accomplished nothing. My house is disgusting. I haven’t paid rent, and I’m pretty sure I smell like shit. The night before I went to a mediation meeting, and basically lost my daughter until the end of the school year; at which point we will discuss my reintegration into her life…
…if I’ve stayed sober.
This feels like the twilight zone. I can’t believe this is my life.
But then again, it almost seems more familiar than pretending to fit in as a soccer mom. I never understood who I was in the mom world. I couldn’t reconcile being in recovery and attending meetings with being the mother of a child in a private Catholic school. I used to attend a meeting that was held at her school. One night I had a meeting for a fundraiser at her school on the same night that the meeting was held. I stood in the parking lot with all of the other moms while they looked over at my fellow addicts, my friends, who, smoking in a little huddle and said things like,
“Oh my God… look at those people.”
“Well you know, they allow those groups, like those alcoholics and stuff to meet here at night.”
I didn’t defend my friends, and I never went to another meeting again. And that brought me to where I am now—in Hell.
I’m going back to sobriety today. I have hope because I stayed sober before, when my actions didn’t affect very many people, and I really had nothing to lose.
Now I have a daughter who I am inflicting the same kind of pain on that my alcoholic mother did me. That is unacceptable to me.
While I have hope, I’m also terrified. I have seen so many beautiful, willing, well-intentioned mothers and fathers do the one thing they swore they would never do. They abandoned their children because they couldn’t stop using. All I can do is pray and surrender and hope that I can get truly honest with myself this time.
That’s all I can do…
This post was submitted Anonymously and was originally printed in February 2015.
28 Comments
Maybe writing about it is the first step? Good luck xo
Thank you for such a heart wrenching, honest share. You are helping every alcoholic and addict that reads your post.
I too am in recovery and have an eight year old son. I too was clean for three years before he was born. And most importantly, I too have everything to lose today.
I’ll say a special prayer for you that the will of a higher power comforts you and gives you courage. Bless you sister.
God bless you and your daughter.May you learn from your past, grow in faith not run in fear and continue on the journey God has planned for you
You can do this ODAAT. Stay in Today. Don’t beat yourself up about what has happened. You are doing the next right thing by going to detox and jumping back in. I also can relate to your story so much. I went to rehab when my boys were 2. I relapsed 2 years later and just started over again. Got honest like you are doing here. At least we are still here for our kids and not 6 feet under. I too smoked meth alone and hid it. Today my boys are 8 and I have trouble fitting in with the “normy” mommies. I have found that I just have to be honest about being in recovery and either they accept it or they judge but that’s not my problem. I have my mommy friends in recovery and we get each other. You can do this! Thanks for sharing!!!
Wow! I was that person too!.Today I am 6 years sober by the Grace of God! I will be praying for you. You can do it!
What does a Meth Addict look like? I look in the mirror and I see her. I don’t look like a meth addict on the surface. I am educated, had a successful career as an RN, adopted 3 children and was a great mom until I met Meth. I fight demons daily. Have lost career, kids, freedom, sanity. What is left? Life…today I choose Life. Checking in to inpatient rehab asap. Thank-you for sharing your story. I can relate..
Suzanne, How are you doing today? The disease is vicious and it is hard to fight it alone.
Let me know if you need support.
Ginger
Hi, Suzanne,
I just came across this post that I wrote in February. I got an email from this website and clicked on “I don’t look like a meth addict” under popular posts and was actually surprised it was mine that I wrote! I barely remember writing it. But reading it today, I can definitely remember the pain and fear I was feeling. Much of that pain and fear is gone today. I’ve been sober since March 4 and my life has just now started to come together. I’m still with the same amazing man, although he has a very difficult time trusting me. I just got hired as a teacher, a profession I had left for 3 years due to my drug addiction and ultimate inability to function. Thank you for responding to my post. I pray that you are finding the same freedom that I have slowly regained. While it has been slowly melting away, I will say it has been replaced with a lot of guilt and shame. That is my current battle and one I hope to win. Let Go and Let God is my mantra. Hard to remember sometimes, though. Thank you for reaching out.
Stay strong! You’re in my prayers its hard but remember you have a beautiful daughter that loves you
The point is that u never give up god won’t put u in a situation u can’t handle pray. …one day at a time and stay faithful to yourself cause in the ends that’s what Matters to u and your daughter ……YOU
I’ve said the same about how I look compared to “tweakers”. I never liked like one or distribution anything to attract attention, but me n my hubs fighting and I he stuff h did to attract attention. We had our 8 month old son at keep the time and 3:year old daughter taken by cps for 8 months. It was a nightmare come true. We’re clean for most a year now with kids back. Do something that forces yoyrself to be convicted and Keep being honest I don’t care who it might offend. You can’t be helped if no on knows how or what you need help for. You’re not alone. And keep it simple all at the same time ?
Dear meth user mommy,
You are brave and courageous. Get up and fight that demon. Your higher power and fellowship of like minded people will give you the strength to do this. Don’t believe in the darkness, believe in a higher power who wants to help you win this battle. You can do this, you’re a mommy. Mommies have incredible power when they fight for their children. I can relate to your story because I did what my mom did too, and I swore I’d never do that to my children. I’m going to rehab tomorrow. I will be doing the same battle.
I am one of those rude soccer moms,, and now I’m ready to be completely honest with God, myself, and the world. Looks are deceiving, many of those mom’s drink wine all afternoon and into the evening everyday. Some abuse prescription drugs and nobody knows it, some cannot stand who they are. You are standing up and facing your addiction. Letting it go. I rather hang out with you any day of the week sober, than be excepted by judgemental people. We all have our defects of character, and we are choosing to work on them. Reach out to your higher power. Kneel and pray day and night. And you will witness miracles in your life. ????wishing you the very best. Don’t ever, ever, ever give up.
Leann,
I know it’s been a long time since I posted this, but I honestly forgot I had written it! Thank you for your reply. I’ve always said that I bet many of the most judgmental women I see are probably drinking wine day and night, or they are taking xanax all day, or their husbands are cheating on them, or any number of things. My daughter goes to Catholic school and, while I was clearly struggling, not one of them reached out to me and asked if I needed help or even just someone to talk to. Instead, they talked about me behind my back and gave me strange looks when I saw them. And these are supposedly Catholic women of God. It is nice to see that you have the same point of view that I do. I’ve constantly been judged by friends and family members because I’ve been to rehab and have admitted my fight with the demons of addiction. Meanwhile, the most judgmental people are drinking and getting drunk in front of their children and driving them around intoxicated. But because I’ve chosen to address my issues, I’m the loser in their eyes. I am learning to let that go. It’s not about them. It’s about my daughter and it’s about me and the people who love me unconditionally. Since I checked into detox I have been sober. It has been difficult since I’ve been struggling with all pf the things that come with early sobriety – fear, cloudy head, depression, and a crippling lack of motivation. However, I’m happy to say that I’m getting my life back on track. I have my daughter back, our relationship is healing and her love is so powerful and pure. I’m grateful everyday that I have a second chance with her and I don’t have to continue to put her through this pain for the rest of her life like my mother did. I got hired to teach Special Ed again last week and I’m ecstatic and, even better, I’m actually really proud of myself. That’s something I haven’t felt in years. I hope you’ve been able to find the same peace. I will pray for you and my other sisters in recovery. I know it’s been a while, but I’d love to hear how you’re doing. I hope you and your family find peace. Thank you for reaching out.
I was clean for nearly 3yrs, attended meetings and was very involved with my fellowship. I relapsed, then found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Got clean and remained clean, until she was over a yr old. Before, I knew I got pregnant with my son I relapsed. And my disease, took over, I used several times while pregnant. DHS still has my babies, and it hurts everyday. I went to treatment recently and now I am in an Oxford House fighting for my babies. I believe, God is going to make a miracle out of my mess. I have been clean now for over 30 days. It was one year ago, on the 27th that I last had my daughter home.
Angel, How are you doing today? Do you need support? Please reach out if you do.
Ginger
I just came across this post that I wrote in February. I got an email from this website and clicked on “I don’t look like a meth addict” under popular posts and was actually surprised it was mine that I wrote! I barely remember writing it. But reading it today, I can definitely remember the pain and fear I was feeling. Much of that pain and fear is gone today. I’ve been sober since March 4 and my life has just now started to come together. I’m still with the same amazing man, although he has a very difficult time trusting me. I just got hired as a teacher, a profession I had left for 3 years due to my drug addiction and ultimate inability to function. Thank you for responding to my post. While my fear and pain has been slowly melting away, I will say it has been replaced with a lot of guilt and shame. That is my current battle and one I hope to win. Let Go and Let God is my mantra. Hard to remember sometimes, though. Thank you for reaching out.
This is exactly down to a T how I felt while I was addicted… It hits home.. 21 days and counting… I wish you all the luck in the world. Remember. Mind over matter. Within the 21 days of being clean I went from my family hating me and losing my kids to having my kids back, bought my own house, a job, a relationship, a home and all my family back. It’s amazing… I was doing 40 unit doses 3 times a day every day for 8 months straight. And I’m clean and never been happier. It hurts to read the “I’m devastated, -at least I think I am.” Because I felt the same way.., I watched my family cry over me and I kept hurting them. I saw them cry, knowing I should feel terrible, but I felt nothing. It’s a sick feeling… But who ever you are miss anonymous, you can do this. Even when you think you can’t, know you can’t, tell yourself you can. Never promise you will and never set a permanent goal. I told myself I will try to control my addiction, I’m not going to quit. And that’s what got me here today. I feel like if I said okay I’m quitting for good I would stress and fail and relapse. I’m in college for psychology now and maybe that kind of thinking can help others like myself.
21days-and-counting dot tumblr dot com is the blog I made just last night for my journey into the life I’m making after meth…
Wow, how this hit home for me!! I am a 32 year old mother of 4 beautiful, amazing, wonderful children between the ages of 5 -15 years old. My children and I have a very special bond, we are all extremely close, we are all a bunch of silly, fun, crazy kids together, and we all love each other very much. I have been told numerous times throughout my 15 years of being a mother, that I am a very good one at that… I love my kids more than life, as all mothers do, and I could never in a million years dream of hurting them, neglecting them, or abandoning them. I was NEVER gonna do meth!!!!
It been 10 months since CPS got involved and took my babies away from me…. It was almost my 29th birthday when I tried meth for the first time, and here I am, 3 1/2 years later, homeless, jobless, and worst of all, I have lost my babies. I have lost my entire family, and most of my friends due to meth. Everyone I have ever held close to my heart is no longer in my life, and I am still using because now it is my painkiller. It soothes the pain as it creates more of it. My children have suffered IMMENSELY, and don’t even understand why they can’t see their mommy or daddy, why they can’t go home, and if we will ever be a family again. It is a living nightmare. It is Hell. I am going to treatment next week, and I pray I am not one of the 93% that relapse. This drug is exactly what everyone calls it….”The Devil”
Hi, Krista – thank you for responding to my post. I honestly barely remember writing it. I kept getting emails from this website so, today, I finally clicked on it. I saw the post “I don’t look like a meth addict” under popular posts and thought, “hmmm – neither do I!” I was actually surprised to see that I had written it! But as soon as I read it, it all came back to me. I’m so sorry for all the pain and loss you’ve experienced. Yes meth is the DEVIL!!! At first it makes you super productive, then you can’t function and start losing things and giving up on things. And then, like you said, you need it to numb the pain of what you’ve done. I went to detox because I knew that when I stopped, all that pain would overtake me and I would need support. The second day I was there, when most of the meth had left my body, all those feelings came in. I couldn’t deal with the realization of the pain I had caused my daughter and I wound up being taken to the psych ward at a nasty state hospital because I was threatening suicide. But, all that has changed. I’ve been sober since March 4, I have my daughter back, and I just got hired as a teacher again. It’s been hard and sometimes the last 6 months seem like they’ve gone by insanely fast, and sometimes it feels like it’s been 6 years, not 6 months. I know the only reason CPS didn’t get involved and I didn’t “officially, legally” lose my daughter is because I’ve had to deal with my ex’s addiction for years, so he didn’t file for custody. Point being, I was only a breath away from being in your shoes. I hope you have found the support you need to get to a place of peace. Please let me know how you are doing. Let Go and Let God.
I just came across this post that I wrote in February. I got an email from this website and clicked on “I don’t look like a meth addict” under most popular posts and was actually surprised it was mine that I wrote! I barely remember writing it. But reading it today, I can definitely remember the pain and fear I was feeling. Much of that pain and fear is gone today. I’ve been sober since March 4 and my life has now started to come together. I’m still with the same amazing man, although he has a very difficult time trusting me. I’ve had my daughter for several weeks this summer and I feel like we are getting back to our close, loving relationship every day. Hanging out with her is fun again and cuddling with her is delicious. I can’t believe I forgot how good she feels because meth made me so distant and defensive. And, amazingly, I just got hired as a teacher, a profession I had left for 3 years due to my drug addiction and ultimate inability to function. Thank you all for responding to my post. While the pain and fear has been slowly melting away, I will say it has been replaced with a lot of guilt and shame. That is my current battle and one I hope to win. Let Go and Let God is my mantra. Hard to remember sometimes, but, just like staying sober gets easier everyday, I have faith that letting go of the guilt and shame will too. Thank you all for reaching out.
How do I get treatment for meth addiction
What is the first step?
Here’s some information regarding treatment for meth addiction. Please let me know if you need any help reaching out to a physician/psychologist. http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/research-reports/methamphetamine/what-treatments-are-effective-methamphetamine-abusers
I don’t know what your financial situation is, but I suggest finding a detox. For me, the depression I felt when I would try to quit was too much for me to handle on my own. Without the support I found in a detox, I didn’t last more than one day. Once the numbness of the drug wears off and you’re left to face where your at, it can be overwhelming. Google free or low-cost detoxes in your area. And accept the fact that detox doesn’t have to be the Ritz Carlton, but you should feel comfortable there. Otherwise you’ll find any excuse to leave. And if you leave, you and your loved ones are the only ones who will suffer the conseqence. Good luck and God Bless. It seems impossible, but it’s not. I promise.
It’s absolutely astonishing the way meth destroys people’s lives. There is no “tweakin on the weekends” because once you start it becomes a lifestyle that kids, jobs, homes, etc just don’t fit into. The obsessive compulsive behaviors bring out a once healthy mind to a complete dysfunctional, paranoid, irritable, panic ridden, addict mind who believes that the only energy they have come from using.
I miss my mom. Cps almost got us but that night she slipped deposits from her job and took us to Disney World for 3 weeks. When we got back she piled everything into a small storage and we floated from motel to motel to relative to relative and to friend to friend. I wish she would of just let someone else take care of us. 20 years later she is still using and I suffer on a constant basis with the trauma her addiction inflicted on me especially now since I have 2 beautiful daughters of my own. I hate her and I love her. If she loved me she would of tried to stop but she still denies everything even tho we all know. It got to a point where she would trade sex with me for her drugs. I was never safe with her since the day she took me from my father.
That’s heartbreaking, Tan. I hope you are in a safe place now and can get some surely needed therapy. Hugs and prayers for your healing.
I was hooked on meth for 6 months until I got pregnant back in 2007. I have 4 kids: I’ve never been in trouble. I’ve kept a job for 12 years. I’ve done everything right. Except…every few months or so I would do coke/meth. But this month I did it three times. I am terrified that I’m slipping back into it. This is so scary. I don’t want this.