I’m a newly sober mom who’s struggling. My fiancé left me after 3 years of my emotional abuse and drinking. We have 2 kids, 10 and 3, and I’m looking for any advice on how to stay sober and if there is anyway of rebuilding trust and getting him back.
Signed, Heartbroken
Dear “Heartbroken,”
Rebuilding the trust and love of those we have hurt is one of the hardest steps of recovery. The beautiful part is that you’ve already taken that first step–you are a sober mom. You have stopped doing the thing that was causing pain in your relationship. Be proud of that step, it’s a huge one.
The best thing you can do now is the next right thing. This simple advice helped me rebuild trust in relationships I was sure I had destroyed. You may not know what the next right thing is, but if you’re anything like me, you know the wrong one. Sometimes it’s as simple as not doing that. For me, it was a commitment to not alter my mind with substances and to pursue counseling for issues that lead me to turn to those substances for relief. I continue to find hope in recovery through counseling, support groups, and compassionate self care. For you, it may be counseling or a support group meeting, or it may be as simple as asking for a phone call or a coffee date with your loved one.
To undo the years of damage I caused in my relationships, I had to learn that there is no step too small. Every tiny decision I made supporting my recovery showed my family that I was serious about changing and that I was committed to reestablishing their trust. Every time I did what I said I was going to do, each time I said how I felt and meant it and every single hour that I stayed committed to my recovery showed them that I was committed to making a better life for us all.
I can’t promise a beautiful outcome or that he will quickly see how hard you are working on change. I can say with confidence you will be showing him, your children and most importantly, yourself that you are worth every single bit of this energy and love. You are worth every ounce of care, compassion and grace that you give yourself in recovery. The more you see and believe that, the more other people in your life will too. You are learning to love yourself and in turn, showing the people you love how to love you and that you are committed to loving them by taking care of yourself.
No step is too small and we are here to help support you every step of the way.
Sending you lots of love and support,
Nicole #askasobermom