Can My Recovery Handle Another Baby?
It was quite a shock because we were using preventative measures, but a greater power intervened, and here we are, with “Little Nugget” due mid-November.
I am excited for a tiny baby again, but I’m also terrified.
We are not financially in a place where I can sit back and feel peaceful about this. Intellectually, I know that we will figure it out like so many parents before us, but I still worry.
All of the things I was able to do when my daughter was born will be so much more difficult with baby number two. Will I be able to give this one the same level of care and attention? Will I keep calm and nurture both children properly? Can I even handle this?
Then I remember, I’m a mom in recovery. I don’t get to ask questions like that, I HAVE to handle it. Sometimes that’s not fair. I want to question myself; I want to have the opportunity to NOT handle life. I’m not saying I want to be lost in a haze of drugs and booze again, because that I SURELY do not. I would love to be okay with not having to handle all the curve balls life throws at me with grace and unwavering spiritual faith.
Because some days I don’t have either one.
We frequently close our recovery gatherings by saying, “Pray for the babies born into this disease of addiction without a voice or a choice of their own.” Am I being selfish bringing another life into my disease? What will being sleep-deprived and uncertain do to my family? Will I run back into destructive patterns of lashing out and passive-aggression? Can I balance this huge life change with my recovery? I don’t know if I’m strong enough!
Then I remember, I am a mom in recovery. I don’t have a choice.
That’s terrifyingly real and I’m scared.
Rachel has been in recovery since October 29, 2010, and she’s not afraid to speak out about it. She lives in Michigan with her husband and two daughters.