It was quite a shock because we were using preventative measures, but a greater power intervened, and here we are, with “Little Nugget” due mid-November.
I am excited for a tiny baby again, but I’m also terrified.
We are not financially in a place where I can sit back and feel peaceful about this. Intellectually, I know that we will figure it out like so many parents before us, but I still worry.
All of the things I was able to do when my daughter was born will be so much more difficult with baby number two. Will I be able to give this one the same level of care and attention? Will I keep calm and nurture both children properly? Can I even handle this?
Then I remember, I’m a mom in recovery. I don’t get to ask questions like that, I HAVE to handle it. Sometimes that’s not fair. I want to question myself; I want to have the opportunity to NOT handle life. I’m not saying I want to be lost in a haze of drugs and booze again, because that I SURELY do not. I would love to be okay with not having to handle all the curve balls life throws at me with grace and unwavering spiritual faith.
Because some days I don’t have either one.
We frequently close our recovery gatherings by saying, “Pray for the babies born into this disease of addiction without a voice or a choice of their own.” Am I being selfish bringing another life into my disease? What will being sleep-deprived and uncertain do to my family? Will I run back into destructive patterns of lashing out and passive-aggression? Can I balance this huge life change with my recovery? I don’t know if I’m strong enough!
Then I remember, I am a mom in recovery. I don’t have a choice.
That’s terrifyingly real and I’m scared.