I Convinced Myself I Couldn’t Be An Alcoholic…But I Was
I am a mother of two beautiful children, aged five months and three years. My father was an alcoholic and drug addict who was very abusive, physically and mentally. My mother left us at a young age because she couldn’t handle it. I grew up hating alcohol and not trusting anyone.
I’ve always thought that because I don’t abuse alcohol like my father that I didn’t have a problem. WRONG. I didn’t drink every day or in excess every day but I’ve lied to myself for too long. Now I risk losing my two kids and my husband because of my stubbornness and lack of self-control.
I’ve damaged my relationship with my husband so much. When we would fight, I would do those things to hurt him back (especially if I’d been drinking), hoping he would feel some of the pain raging inside me. I’ve ripped up pictures, flushed a ring and burned a shirt that my husband had made for us. It’s no wonder our relationship is suffering.
I thought I was over the abuse from my childhood, but when I drank it all came flooding back.
I’ve done so many stupid things under the influence and feel so ashamed. I’ve never have been physically abusive like my father but I have inflicted enough emotional damage to last a lifetime. I hope one day my husband can forgive me…but I need to change before my children are old enough to see my ugly side. Before they’re old enough to repeat the cycle.
Don’t get me wrong—I am a good mother to my children. I love them more than life itself. I’d give everything I have EVERY day to make sure they are happy and taken care of. But I’m only a great mama only 90% of the time, when I haven’t been drinking.
I can’t bear the thought of my children growing up with negative influences and losing sight of what is really important in life. I don’t want them to have the childhood that my siblings and I did. I realize that I can’t control the rest of the world (including sticky floors, crying colicky kids and a tired husband) but I CAN control ME. I want to be the one who helps my kids through life with their heads held high, respecting themselves and one another. I’ve made the decision to take my life back and protect my children’s future.
Today is day three without my children, my husband, and alcohol.
Even though I stayed at a house where a box of wine was stashed in the room I slept in, I DIDN’T TOUCH IT. I had every chance to drink. It would have been OK (in my alcoholic mind) because I didn’t have to worry about taking care of kids. I was hurting because I was missing my babies and needed something to calm me down so I could sleep. I knew no one would find out so what would it hurt to have a couple glasses, right??
Even if no one else knew about it, I would know.
I know in my heart that it’s time for me to change. I’m ready for it. I can feel the strength inside me that I haven’t had before, and I can feel the determination growing. I can beat this addiction, for my kids and for myself, and for my husband who I know loves me very much.
I want to be an awesome mom 100% of the time, not just 90%. I’ve been pointing fingers at everyone else for the last several years—NO MORE EXCUSES. I am determined to beat this. I know from being raised in support groups and from being around so many family members that have dealt with this addiction that it WON’T be easy—but with the support of my husband, this program and talking with others who are going through the same struggle I can win this battle.
Best of luck to you struggling moms out there, and please know I love each and every one of you who is reading this because it means you are trying just like myself to live a better life and give a better life to your family.
This post was submitted by Lisa.
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.