I’ve encountered some crazy hard situations since I stopped using… but this is by far the hardest time in my four and a half years of recovery. I’m still sober but I’ve thought about drinking more lately than I have in a long time.
I haven’t thought about drugs much, but man…that devil drink, tapping my shoulder.
Recently, some changes at home, in my relationship, have resulted in the need to make major changes in other parts of my life. I had to put in a transfer at work, from overnights to “mother’s hours.” I took a pay cut and have added worries about health insurance to my burdens. As well, I was enrolled in a program at a local college but my new work hours will not allow me to continue.
I’ve been super focused on trying to fix my family but it’s not working the way I’d like it to. I have done basically nothing else for the last few weeks. I’m so tired. I’m afraid of all the changes coming.
EVERYTHING IS CHANGING. I can’t stop it—I’m not going to embrace it—but I will get through this.
I want to scream and cry (boy, have I cried) and still, the hardest part is WAITING. I have to feel all my feels and sit in this shitstorm that I am partially responsible for and…look at my part.
I’m guilty and ashamed and confused. I’m righteous and angry and frustrated. Overwhelmed. Lost. Powerless in some ways and powerful in others. Hopeful and broken. I’m everything, all at once and…I’m done apologizing.
My actions will speak louder than my words. Those who want to take notice, can. I cannot guarantee any outcomes, but if I take care of my stuff, stay vigilant and get (and stay) honest…then everything will be okay. It has to be. Even if I don’t even know what okay looks like.
But I’ve survived everything that’s come my way so far. I’m still standing.