Many years ago when I would make feeble attempts at getting sober, I never believed that food was actually an addiction. I would find myself in halfway houses and long-term treatment women’s programs, binging and purging, then med-seeking to get medications where the side effects included weight loss. I was trying to starve myself and failing miserably every time.
I was perpetually unhappy with the way the outside looked and the inside felt. My addiction was similar to my love affair with other substances. I didn’t want to give it up because it wasn’t killing me…just yet. I practice complete abstinence from other substances, however, one must eat to survive. One bite of anything can and will set me off.
I was never the thinnest girl in school but I was also not the heaviest. My wonderful personality traits were buried under low self-esteem, sprinkled with introversion and adolescent alcoholism. My family owned a restaurant and a bar, so I spent much of my life in the back room or at the pizza table. I didn’t realize that the whole world didn’t drink, overeat and gamble because that was how my family made their living. Eventually, I ended up in backs rooms of many other bars and restaurants.
I didn’t realize that the whole world didn’t drink, overeat and gamble because that was how my family made their living.
I had no idea how serious these issues could become for me. I would see other people eating and drinking however they wanted and I wanted to be able to do the same. But I can’t do that. I’ve managed to put the drug and drink down after a lot of work and even more pain. I’ve often heard it said that people enter recovery the day before they die, and I believe that is true for me. I was so thin and gray and covered with sores. My hair was falling out, my eyes were sunken in, I was so severely malnourished that I just didn’t have it in me anymore to fight or to not fight. I was simply done.
Fast forward several years later and I find myself in the same situation with food over and over again. I was painfully thin when I got sober. I gained 80 lbs with my second son. I had two kids in 22 months and I was newly sober. That’s a heck of a tall order for just one human being.
I’ve tried 12 step food help, paid program, free programs, apps, pills, fad diets, gym memberships that I don’t use. While 12 step helped me immensely with drugs, I can’t seem to connect to it with food. I even binge on foods that are healthy for me—it doesn’t have to be sweets or junk all the time.
I even binge on foods that are healthy for me—it doesn’t have to be sweets or junk all the time.
I have had so many day ones in these last month or two. I am trying so hard and failing miserably. It brings me right back to where I was when I used to try to get sober and I just couldn’t get it. It’s so fucking hard. My toolbox is full, yet I’ve lost the key. I haven’t felt this level of despair in a long time. If you are struggling with anything today, I am right there with you, sister. I can replace my addiction to drugs and alcohol with anything. Life is literally one day at a time for me, with everything.
Here I sit, at the end of another day that I didn’t drink, still feel like I failed miserably with food and that’s okay.
Here’s to another day one tomorrow.