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HOLIDAYS SUCK the life out of me

The good news? The holidays are coming!

The bad news? The holidays are coming!

Holidays suck.

Every year they suck the life out of me.

I’m clean and sober, and others in my life are not. While they are all clinking their drinks and laughing and smiling, and swilling down the spiked eggnog, I’ll be sitting in the next room with my crappy “kids only” punch, putting on my greatest and fakest smile, pretending everything is joyous.

I have extreme mood swings during the months that end in “ber.”  Laughter, tears, anger, sadness, cheer, depression, happiness—REPEAT. Hopefully you get the point.

Along with stressing about money, gifts, food, utilities, mortgage payments, unexpected company, wrapping gifts, keeping the magic of Christmas or any other holiday alive, I also get to celebrate birthdays and mourn the deaths of my most cherished loved ones. I get to “pretend,” for the sake of others, that I am alright and can deal with everything.

I take many showers so I can cry in private, and fantasize about getting wasted so I don’t have to think, let alone feel the emptiness the holidays bring me. I often wish that there was a pill or alcoholic concoction that could make me be the saint everyone seems to think I am this time of year.

It starts with Halloween. And then…

  • Nov 16th – Anniversary of my daughter’s death
  • Nov 28th – My baby daughter’s first birthday
  • Nov 27th – Thanksgiving
  • Dec 3rd – Anniversary of my father’s death
  • Dec 9th – My deceased daughter’s birthday
  • Dec 25th – Christmas
  • Dec 31st – Anniversary of a close friend’s suicide
  • Jan 1st – Happy New Year
  • Jan 10th – Anniversary of my mother’s death
  • Jan 22nd – Anniversary of my son’s death

Feeling like I have to pretend sucks. I hate it. It’s miserable, lonely, heart-breaking, and at times pushes me to the edge – to the point of wanting to throw it all away. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t, but most times I don’t care to ponder it. I just wish people would learn a little courtesy when it comes to dealing with the feelings and emotions of other people in recovery. Telling me “It takes time to heal,” “You have to let it go,” and/or ” You need closure,” doesn’t help me.

Sometimes I just want to be left alone to cry, get mad, smile, I just want to…remember. Sometimes I want share those memories with someone. Trying to pretend is exhausting, and I really don’t have the energy this year. If I suck on a specific day, well then I suck. Plain and simple. Will I use? No, but I will definitely suck.

Life NEVER becomes easier when someone you love dies.

It becomes TOLERABLE.

I don’t let my emotions dictate my recovery anymore. I try to not let my them get the best of me, but at times it happens. I’m human, I’m sober, and sometimes I hurt.

Not every day is a great day.

Sometimes holidays suck.

This post was submitted by Dianne Angers.

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  1. I too whish there was a pill or concoction to make us into saints! You have every right to feel the way you do and you need to do what works best for you. I wish you all the best my friend.

  2. I can’t say anything other than I will listen when you want to cry, remember, yell, or laugh. That is the gift I can give you.

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