The other night, as I lay crying myself to sleep wrapped in the loneliness and pain that always seems to cling to me, I asked myself why. Why do I always end up in this miserable, empty place? Why, with some solid sobriety, am I still crying myself to sleep feeling like the only person in the world that feels this pain? Why do I victimize myself? Why do I create situations that make me so miserably unhappy? Why do I do things I know will cause feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and worthlessness? Why do I make myself so unhappy?
It’s because I think I can control it.
I can create situations that make me unhappy because I’ve had YEARS of practice, and I’m good at it.
I can talk myself into feeling all sorts of negative shit because I’ve done it for so long that it has become my nature.
I’m afraid of the truth.
The truth is that I am still at the mercy of an ego that tells me I am shit, even though I somehow have the ability to convince others that I’m not. I am still at the mercy of a mind that wants to kill me, humiliate me, and push me to that drink because that was my solution for so long. But am I really at the mercy of all of this? I supposed that’s the easy way of saying I’m comfortable with a sick mind, and that I’m beyond miserable, but it’s familiar.
I am in control.
I am in a hell of my own making and a drink is not the problem. Day after day, I chase misery like I chased that drink and even though I abhor the end result, I get to be in control. In pain is where I am comfortable because I know pain. I don’t know how to be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy. Or maybe I do, but I’m terrified.
Pain, misery, discontent, struggle, and chaos have been my companions most of my life. I know them all intimately and can keep them effortlessly. Happiness, on the other hand, is a stranger to me.
Happiness isn’t something I can control. That’s never been my experience.
I am sober, yet I still wage a war with myself every second of every day because I want to be in control. To be powerless…to admit I am powerless…scares me more than anything, and I can’t figure out why. Being the over-analyzer that I am, this is really tough for me. I know what’s wrong with me, and even how to fix those things. However, if I am unwilling to take action, too scared to let go of the familiar, what that does self-knowledge get me?
I live in “whys,” and I’m sick of it. I live in a place where I KNOW what I need to do, I know what’s messed up about me, and because I want control I’d rather stay miserable because that comes easy, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of hating who I am.
The truth is, I’m tired. Bone deep, soul-weary tired.
I’m in a constant battle with all that drinking taught me, sober, and I’m barely surviving because having control means that I don’t have to be powerless.
I can’t cry anymore. I can’t ask why anymore. I can’t feel my soul bleed anymore. I can’t face another day of trying to control the uncontrollable. I can’t manipulate another defeat anymore, just to confront it and start all over again. I can’t close my eyes to the miserable woman I see slowly dying inside day after day in the mirror. I can’t take one more minute of a mind that tells me that to control is the only way to live. I don’t want to just survive sobriety. I don’t want to be here anymore, so I’m asking you…where do I go from here?
This post was submitted by Nena B.
13 Comments
I wish I could take the pain from you. Please know you are never alone here, or in your own head.
Wow, this is so familiar. Thank you for sharing. This is how I feel today. I pray, I beg, I go to meetings, but all of it is in an effort to try to get what I want- NOT to let go of my will. The one thing I rarely do is reach out to other women. I don’t want to call my sponsor, cause I’m sick of having the same problems over and over, and I’m convinced she is sick of hearing it, not to mention she’ll probably suggest I DO something. I don’t want to call other women cause they’ll share with me what they DID in a particular situation and I don’t want to DO ANYTHING!!! I just want to close my eyes and hope everything will change- but I’m sick of doing that too! So what am I going to DO? I am going to keep the appointment I have with a sponsee this evening. I’m not going to cancel, I’m not going to be late, I’m just going to show up, for her. I’m going to stay where my hands are and “act as if” and I’m going to get out of my own f’ing head!
This is an amazingly honest post. I resonated a lot with it, the feeling that it is safer to be in misery as long as I am in control. I’ve discovered recently that I quite frequently self sabotage relationships, because as long as I do it, I’m in control- I see it happening- I know what will happen.
I think we should look at it this way (as a very wise person I shared this with opened my eyes). The fact that we are discovering ourselves this deeply, means we are making progress. You are making progress, you are not going to be stuck in this, as you are telling your story and you are tired of it. This is the start of a new path, even if it doesn’t feel like it. I know so much how staying in control feels much safer, even if it causes pain. Try one thing per day that might make the light shine a little brighter, something that you decide- that you control (a gratitude journal, a walk in nature, a bike ride, putting your face in the sun for a few minutes)- then acknowledge that you just did this wonderful thing for yourself. One step at a time. I will do the same:)
I find so much strength that’s hidden inside me when I get the honor and privelge of reading what each of you have written. Thank you.
There is great freedom in admitting that we are powerless. When we do this and then work the remaining steps, we are freed of our need to control. Our higher power has better ideas for our life than we could scheme up on our best days. We have to smash the idea that we have some kind of power over anything (the Serenity Prayer). Thinking I can control a situation is wrapped in expectations; then when my grand design fails, I’m depressed. Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? The need to control is a character defect like the need to drink or use drugs. It is a substitute addiction and is contradictory to what we are taught in working the steps. Pgs. 60-61 discusses this at length. “The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good.” It goes on with excellent advice to help you with this problem.
I am fairly new in the program, so this is all very fresh for me. I hope I never forget where the need to control things took me. That was a very dark place. My life is not ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but I am happy, joyous & free. I know other ppl in the program who have many years of sobriety who still work the steps when something is keeping them from being at peace with themselves.
Maybe another course through the steps with your sponsor.? I have found that I am powerless over many things in my life other than alcohol and I can apply the steps to them in order to be free. I wish you the best and I will pray for you tonight.
I hope this doesn’t sound too simple, but have you tried therapy so that someone can challenge you on your false beliefs about yourself (you’re not hateful!). I have felt this way in the past. But things got better. Sending you loving thoughts.
I understand your feelings oh so well. Please don’t take this disrespectfully, but…. We are all just a child of God (HP, spirit of the sunlight, etc.), and God doesn’t make junk! Who the f-heck are you to question what He has made? Do you believe he made everyone else perfect…except for you? You say you are good at convincing others that you are better than what you feel. Did you stop to think that you ARE better than what you feel? And that feelings aren’t facts? I don’t discount your feelings, they are yours to have, but they are NOT facts. They are just feelings. Other people see the beauty in you, because you ARE worthy of it. If for no other reason than that you are a child of God. Put your Shanna stick down, and give yourself a fuckin’ break. In case you are wondering, these are the words that were spoken to me. I have a huge Cheryl stick and I know how to use it. But because I let “us” love me until I could love me, I learned to start loving me. You CANNOT think your way into better acting (loving yourself), but you CAN act yourself into better thinking. Much love and hugs coming your way. Cheryl, Alcoholic, 788 days.
excellent way to put it! surrender for me is like giving myself permission to be happy. i got professional help as well, and recovery can be AMAZING if you allow it to be.
Thank you Cheryl. Rest assured that I don’t live where that post came from very often or for too long. But it’s there inside me and I know I can’t be the only one that has a place like that. My victim role is just that, a role, and I know how to use and embrace it. It’s very refreshing to have someone like you “let me have it.” I am in no way feeling disrespected and appreciate and respect what you wrote immensely. Thanks for your honesty. 🙂
i understand where you are coming from, as i was there as well. if i was miserable at least people could be convinced that i could be HELPED. just this last $40, this last bottle, one last shot, hit bump bang boot, whatever. i have a really hard time putting myself emotionally back there unless i’m getting angry. i shared my story here previously, and when i read it i feel like i’m being a pretentious bitch now, that my ego is still telling me i have to be perfect: i was a “perfect” addict, now i have to have a perfect recovery. in order to try and help you, all i can say is that when i finally surrendered, i found the FREEDOM that i sought in my nonconformist views. i finally didn’t have to be ruled by my addiction because i let it go. to me, that is the meaning of surrender. i no longer have to give in to my addiction–did that then, and all it did was enslave me again, every time i thought i could control it. excuses, emotions, rationalizations. i learned that there is a VERY real biochemical imbalance in my brain AND my body when i used, especially when i drank. many people i know have this fucked-up idea that once we go into sobriety we cannot take any meds. i know people who go the other way too, and that is definitely a fine line. what it comes down to for me is almost the same as how i deal with other people: is what i’m doing NECESSARY, KIND, HONEST. i honestly have bipolar disease, its necessary to treat it, and i’m not on any controlled substances, or other kinds of mind-altering drugs. if you are truly that depressed in sobriety, you should find help. it gets so much better when you do! you are in my prayers!
Your honesty inspires me! A good exercise for me and that has worked for other women in recovery I know…Start right after how it works in chapter 5. Change it all to first person. IE: “The first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on my-will can hardly be a success. On that basis I am almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though my motives are good.” I crossed out and wrote the right word in my book. I read it daily when in spells of trying to control things. This is one of my glaring character defects and sometimes I take it back from my hp.
Ugh….powerlessness. What I thought was faith in God was really my faith in myself to take action and change my circumstances. Still working on that one…
I can’t stop crying after reading this it sounds like what I would write about
Myself it’s comforting knowing I’m not alone in this