My Fear Is Stronger Than My Faith
I always had an idea that faith meant knowing that what I wanted to happen would happen. If I just tried hard enough, manipulated and controlled enough, if I asked God to “see it my way,” then I would have what I wanted. I could make anything happen if I just had faith.
I confused having faith with “running the show.”
I create stories in my mind where I am the main character, and others are mine to control. I write their lines out and dictate their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. I decide who and what they are. I do this before I even know who the players will be. I create situations, imagine how they feel about me, and what will happen before the end of the story. There is always an ending. It doesn’t matter whether these people know that they are playing a part in the story because it’s never about them; not who they REALLY are.
It’s always about who I believe they are, and when they don’t play their role, when they don’t say their lines, when they don’t follow the script I have written, I get to play my role…victim.
It occurs to me, as I agonize for the bazillionth time, over some guy that isn’t playing his part, that I’m sick of this story. You know the one. Girl meets boy. He is obviously “the one,” and she has NEVER had a connection like this with any other boy. It is definitely, “meant to be,” blah – blah – blah. But really, it’s just same shit, different guy. I seek men that are as emotionally bankrupt and unavailable as I am…and lonely. I convince myself that he is going to meet my unrealistic expectations, because he’s different.
Maybe he plays along for a while because I am a FANTASTIC actress and manipulator, but inevitably at some point, he doesn’t want to play anymore. Here’s where I get to really practice my manipulation skills, and perfect the victim role. Even though the story ALWAYS ends the same, I convince myself that this guy is different. Without fail, I have “faith” that I can make him want me. He WILL stay with me, he WILL love me desperately. The problem is, the main character is always the same. The story never changes because I haven’t.
Today I am reminded that I don’t even need a drink to act like the alcoholic I am.
People think that this disease is just about fighting a drink, but that’s just not true. We fight ourselves.
We fight our habits, our thoughts, our feelings, our selfish self-centeredness, our obsessive thoughts, our ego, our need to control, and our stories we write about how things “should” be.
We fight against faith.
Faith means to let go, and live life without a plan. I have to face the fact that I don’t know who I am without my stories. If I’m not planning my life and yours around what I want and need, what the fuck else am I going to do? It doesn’t even matter that NO ONE ever follows my script, and these stories NEVER end up the way I hope they will. I write them anyway because I don’t know what else to do. But then that’s just bullshit because I do know what to do.
Real faith means freeing ourselves from concern, right? Believing that no matter what, things will work out. So what if I decide, right now, to free myself from concern? What if, instead of creating stories, I create a real life worth living for myself and my daughter?
What if I just have faith?
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