I watched my mother die shortly after Midnight on September 18, 2014.
She was an alcoholic. She was also my best friend.
She turned 65 while in the hospital, just four days before she died.
I don’t remember a time in my life where alcohol wasn’t present; whether it was my family or simply me. I drank in high school, but not as excessively as some of my classmates. I made up for it in college, blacking out was a normal occurrence along with occasional drug use. This continued through my 20s, until I became pregnant with my first child at age 29. I remember being home alone with my infant son one day while he was crying non-stop, and pouring a glass of wine into a coffee cup on my way outside to smoke.
It was 10 am.
I stopped drinking heavily for a couple of years because my husband and I wanted to quit smoking and I was busy being a (perfect!) mom. In 2002, my brother was charged with vehicular manslaughter and sentenced to eight years in prison. Luckily, it forced him to get sober. He is currently very active in AA and has been sober ever since.
Over the years my drinking has gone up and down, but it certainly escalated after my third child was born. I have been drinking mostly every night – a few drinks a night on the weekdays – too many on the weekends – for the past two years. Since my mom died, it has gotten out of control. Packing up her house I started drinking at noon.
My life revolves around drinking.
I think about it all day.
I tell myself when I wake up in the morning, feeling like crap, that I will stop. I went to an Al-Anon meeting today with a friend whose husband is in recovery, and promised myself I will stop because I don’t want my children to be there in 15 years.
I loathe myself.
I embarrass myself, I say ridiculous things to people, I post way too much information on social media, and I rush my kids to bed so I can continue drinking. And I sit here writing this on my third beer, knowing I need to stop.
I just don’t know how.
I keep thinking of all of the things I will miss. Wine tours, fun cocktails with dinner, parties, visiting craft breweries. I just keep thinking about it. And then I look at my kids; and while I know me getting sober might not save them from the disease, it will, at least save them from the drunken me; the less than 100% mom. I just ran out to sneak a smoke while they were eating. I am so tired of waking up feeling like junk. I am getting to the point where I don’t remember the nights before or going to sleep. I always think what if something happened to my kids, and they needed to go to the hospital. What if I weren’t able to take them in the middle of the night? They deserve better. I deserve better. Perhaps my mother’s death was a sign for me to stop and assess where I am at.
I know I have to stop – stop it all. I am not there, but I am close.
Really close.
This post was submitted by Anonymous.
13 Comments
I am right where you are, except it was my father who drank a bottle a day. I had been drinking about a bottle of red a night, a little less weeknights, more on weekends, steadily for 12 years. I stopped for my two pregnancies but resumed the day I was out of the hospital. I loathed myself as well, powerless to stop. Nothing bad happened in my life but I knew I was a sh*tty mom, operating at 50% at work, and just feeling like total crap till about 3pm each day. I was not living the life I wanted to be living. So on August 8, 2014, I had my last drink – a bottle of a nice rose from a winery (I was always a classy drinker, no red cups for me) and that was that. I want you to know that if I did it, so can you. I had terrible cravings for about a month but slowly I stopped thinking about drinking and now, well, it’s not like I thought it would be. I thought my life would end without wine but I am okay. I still had a fun holiday, I still go out to dinner, I still celebrate Friday. At first it was really weird but I got used to it after 1-2 months. I just substitute things – diet ginger ale for wine at parties, Chinese to substitute wine on Fridays. I feel I am a better mom, a better wife and a better person. I don’t wake up with that feeling – oh no what did I post/text/email at 1am? I am not tired like I was, I feel somewhat good. It’s not the same, but it had to be done, I was killing myself and going to ruin my children’s lives. Try one day, then two, then three. The best advice I read was that it’s okay to have an uncomfortable feeling (cravings), that its temporary. It doesn’t mean you have to react, just ride the feeling out. You can do it.
Good for you for thinking of your children & wanting better for yourself ;). Proud of you!
This is me. Thank you for writing this whoever you are. Even though your name is not here you ARE very brave
Thank you for your honesty. .. For bringing me back to “there”…for the reminder.
I feel your pain just like you do. We all do because you are us. You are NOT alone and when you are ready, your brother or one of us can show you a way to not drink even when you want to. Until then… my prayers are with you and your kids. Much love.
This is almost my exact story except my mother was only 52 years old. You can do this. You have to do it for yourself, YOUR life is worth it you are WORTH it! I wish we could meet. I will be praying for you.
I was a heavy drinker off and on since 16 yrs of age. I am the mother of 4 beautiful children. I quit drinking for 12 years when my kids were little. But picked it back up when my 2nd oldest was diagnosed with severe mental illness. When she fell off the edge of the cliff so did I. I’ll spare you my drunkolog, it’s sad and ugly. I will tell you this…getting sober is the best,most rewarding, hardest thing I have ever done. I will celebrate a continuous year of sobriety in 8 days. It has taken me 3 yrs.to put this year together. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the support of my family, sponsor and the support and acceptance I found around the tables in the halls of AA.
Don’t give up hope my friend, life is precious and worth living….sober. I never thought I could get and maintain sobriety but slowly one day at a time, one moment at a time I managed it and you can too. Praying for you and your family…
I used to have those same thoughts too- what if my son needed me in the middle of the night? I wouldn’t be able to drive, no matter, even if he could get me awake at all! Well, my son, age 6, DID need me one night and he couldn’t get me to wake up. He called 911. All he wanted was something to eat (we had eaten dinner- delivery pizza because I was too busy drinking to cook, but he was still hungry). The police arrested me for child abuse/neglect. THIS did not stop my drinking! I continued for another 2 years- it only got worse. It took 2 more arrests, my son being placed in my parents custody & a serious threat to jail time for me to get sober. The bottom had finally arrived. You already know the truth. You don’t have to go where I did to start living again! I pray you find the strength you need to take that first step. It’s scary as hell, but you are NOT alone! NEVER! We are warriors for each other!! I know your heart & I feel your soul, because we are kindred spirits. For this, I love you. When you are ready, we will be here. We will hold you until you stop shaking, stop crying, stop hurting. We will love you until you can smile again. God bless you in your journey, and may it swiftly lead you to recovery. Come trudge this road to Happy Destiny with me!! 🙂 <3
Kim,
Wow, what happened to you is what my husband has said to me many times. This is the main reason I won’t drink unless he’s home to pick up the pieces. How is your son today?
I’m on day two and desperately want to stay sober, but scared to death I won’t. I need to stop before I ruin my kids worse and loose my husband. I see it all in front of my face yet it doesn’t stop me from pouring a glass of wine by 5pm
I’m hoping to find support through blogging.
Thanks for posting
Dear anonymous,
Curious to see how you are doing? I am in your exact shoes, but only on day 2. Wishing you strength during your journey.
You’ve just described me. I’ve vowed to quite a thousand times. Here I am again with very little faith in myself.
Quitting drinking is NOT easy, Cindy. I hope you will be gentle with yourself and allow process. There is no such thing as failing when it comes to process, and recovery is just that – process. If you need support, please feel free to reach out any time!! julie @ sobermommies . com! 🙂 You have a tribe of women here who are more than willing and happy to love you through whatever you have going on. Have faith in that. 😉
Thank you for posting. Truly this is me. I have 3 wonderful children who, tvank God, never needed me after 8 o’clock. I have been drinking since i was 13, and now have a month of sobriety. You can do this, with help. I was drinking every night until i blacked out. I did not remember any conversation after 7:00. Every relationship in my life revolved around alcohol. You will be surprised at the reaction of friends. Please go to a meeting, tell friends, admit to yourself. Life is worth it!
I am exactly the same. I only have one child and was sober for a little over a year while pregnant and nursing.I was on maternity leave for 2 years ( it is the norm here) and was drinking 2 bottles of wine a day. luckyly i never blacked out or anything nor had it any effect on my son.
Since i started working its much better, but i still think about it all the time, and try to plan when i will have a chance, sometimes hoping that my hubby will have an early night so i can just drink without having to hide it from him. Thinking that if havent had a drink for 2 days i really need it / deserve it. I am slowly trying to control it, but sometimes i can’t.
I am positive that one day i will have total control, just having a drink occasionally / on a day out.
I know i should stop it completely but thats a long way ahead.