I Am Scared and Need Support
Today, I am not going to drink alcohol.
I found this blog today and LOVE it—the blog along with a meeting is the only thing that is getting me through without drinking today.
My story begins with two amazing parents who told me every day how much they loved me and how proud they were of me. They provided me with the happiest childhood I could ever ask for. When I was 14 or so, I was looking in my mom’s closet for some shoes and found some liquor bottles hidden. I had no clue because she had hidden it so well, but my mother was an alcoholic.
She stopped drinking, went to a 12-step program, and all seemed fine. I went away to college in another town and received a call one afternoon from my father telling me I needed to fly home immediately.
My mother had attempted suicide by taking a bottle of barbiturates and drinking a ton of tequila.
By the Grace of God she was not successful in ending her life. She has been sober and active in the program since that day—over 14 years ago. My mom is so strong and amazing and has always been my hero!
Ten years later I found myself in full-fledged alcoholism. I was living alone and not in a relationship, so I drank every night after work until I passed out. I would show up to work drunk and sometimes have to call in, “sick.” I guess I was a “functioning alcoholic.”
In 2011, I met my future husband who saved my life. He noticed my drinking was abnormal and talked to my parents about it. My parents and fiance were determined to get me better. I got the ultimatum: “I won’t marry an alcoholic, but I will marry a recovering alcoholic.”
I relapsed a few times, but with my families support, a 12-step program and sponsor, and a women’s bible study, I was able to stop on March 1, 2012. The next three years were the best ones of my life. I got married, pregnant with my first daughter, and then with my second.
Life was going perfectly! I never thought I would want to drink again… and then I got some news that rocked my world.
On June 16, 2015, at 38.5 weeks pregnant, the delivery of my second child was quick and easy, but after she was born the mood in the room changed. The doctor told me my daughter had Down Syndrome. I argued that I had received a negative test result during pregnancy. She checked her records and informed me that her office had “…dropped the ball.” The test had never actually been done.
I knew nothing about Downs Syndrome. I didn’t understand what it meant for my daughter, and fear kicked in.
It hasn’t left yet.
The news and my fear of the unknown became too much, and I picked up a drink to self medicate. I am not going to say it didn’t help relieve my anxiety or make me feel better for a little while—because it did. But, then I found myself drinking all day every day for two weeks straight. I was hiding in my daughter’s closet—drinking. The days became foggy, and I knew I had to stop.
I am a mother of two now, and a wife. I don’t have time to drink myself into a stupor anymore.
I called another sober mom in the program, and she told me to get to a meeting. I am going today. I wanted to write this blog post to make myself accountable in another way.
I am feeling really anxious today, and could use some help and motivation!!
I am scared and need support.
This post was submitted by an anonymous Sober Mom.
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.