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Six Years Of Accountability

The healthier I get, the more I can convince myself that I am of such sound mind now that I can go ahead and drink. But my husband keeps me accountable.

Last week I was fortunate enough to celebrate six years in the world of recovery from addiction and alcoholism.  Like so many other sisters and brothers in sobriety, I could easily list a hundred things that are better on this side of the wall that addiction creates.  That doesn’t mean everything instantly gets easy.  It gradually gets easier.

It’s like learning to write your name.  I watch my preschooler write hers, and it is slow and unsure.  She puts so much effort into it, and takes intense concentration just to get the letters to form a shape the rest of us can associate with an alphabetical letter. We all started that way, yet somehow, we can write our names with fluidity.  Our signatures become routine.  After so much thought and care, we barely have to think about it.  That is what recovery has brought me.  It has become a part of me.  Things that I used to handle with anger, yelling, and sometimes even violence, I can now handle with care.

When I find myself wondering what the hell is going on, I allow myself time to reflect and pray to something greater than myself to help me find answers.

You would think that this is a state of mind that all recovering addicts would never contemplate leaving.  It isn’t so much that I want to leave it; I just want to figure out a way to have my fix, too.  Sometimes it seems the healthier I get, the more I can convince myself that I am of such sound mind now that I can go ahead and drink. I’m different now. I would be able to figure it out this time.

There was a conversation about accountability going on at my house the other day. It made me realize that sometimes there is only one thing that keeps me sober.  One single fact bounces me out of my delusions of being able to drink and pops the bubble.  There is one person in my life that I know will hold me accountable. That person is my husband; who is also in recovery.  If he knew I was drinking or using drugs, unless I sought help with the swiftness of a formula one car, he would send me packing.

One thing we agree on is that sometimes, the absolute best thing you can do for an active addict is walk away.  I know a lot of people may find me cold and heartless when I say that I don’t stick by people, “no matter what.”  If someone is compromising my recovery, my beliefs, or my physical/spiritual well-being, I will walk away.  That doesn’t mean it is easy.  It means that I love myself enough not to let anyone mess with my happiness.  I know that my husband sending me out the door would be about him taking care of himself as much as it would be about me needing a kick in the ass.

As a recovering addict, it isn’t that I have a bunch of “no matter what” people around me that keeps me going.  It’s those that would drop me like an illegal drug in a bust that help keep me on track.

The fear of losing my husband and children are a massive part of what has helped me stay sober.  Those thoughts linger in the back of my head whenever I think I might be able to pull off a casual drink.  So, for anyone that would kick me to the curb if I start drinking and using again…I owe you a large amount of thanks for six great years.  May you hold me accountable for many more.

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  1. My mom got sober when I was 9. Which means her last drink was 29 years ago. She will tell you that even now, she can’t have “just one drink”.

    It is still very difficult for her,at times, this many years later; to know what kind of mother she was (or wasn’t depending on your perspective) and what occurred to her daughters because she wasn’t able to “pay attention”. I’ve seen her struggle with that knowledge from time to time, wanting to escape back into oblivion– just for new reasons. But she doesn’t. She hangs in there. I think it’s how she gives herself accountability in a way. She has my love and support…more importantly, my forgiveness.

    Congrats on 6 years hon! It’s no easy feat to get sober..and then stay that way. Kudos.

    1. Angela, thanks for your comment! I love hearing from people. It is great to hear your take on your mother’s sobriety. Thanks for taking the time to read it and share your thoughts. When I hear a number like 29 years I am truly amazed. I’m going to keep plugging away at this. Thanks again… 😉

  2. Awesomeness !!! Its knowing there are strong women like you who are sober and have time in that let me know its possible. Thank you so much

    1. Thanks so much for that, Ginny! I’m glad you’ve connected with the site so much. I love hearing from you!! =)

  3. Congratulations on six years!!! I can’t wait to be at that milestone. Fabulous xxx

    1. Thanks Mrs. D!! It’s amazing to think this thing turns into YEARS, right?! Have a great today. =)

  4. What a great date, happy celebrations ? My Mom got Sober 6 months before me (we live separately), her only regret is that they might given us a bad example earlier in life. Now them and they friends are all sober, as am I (400 days tomorrow!). We are all here to learn kindness, and part of that journey is forgiveness – of others and yourself.

    Having such a close and great accountability partner is great. Many happy soberversaries and I’n so happy on being on the other side ?


  5. Hey Lauren,
    Congratulations on six years! That’s really wonderful.

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