Through the Darkness, There is Light
Addiction doesn’t just happen. It creeps into your life. I was completely unaware of its hold on me until I found myself sitting in a small dingy apartment, on the end of grimy couch, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other; lost in whatever was on the television in front of me. I had just been fired from my job and I was seeking refuge with an acquaintance I had manipulated into thinking that we were friends.
I just wanted a place to drink.
It felt like the world around me was buzzing. All the people in my life had places to go and things to do, but not me. I didn’t have anything to do unless I could add drinking to the agenda. This disease owned me. The longer I sat and drank, the more complacent I became.
Once upon a time, I had interests, a career, and things to do. I just didn’t care about them anymore. I didn’t see a point to life.
What was wrong with drinking all day? I wasn’t hurting anyone. The kids were at school, Matt was at work, and I was home…alone with my thoughts.
As much as I wanted to stop the voice inside of me screaming to get it together, I couldn’t. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw less and less of the confident, charismatic woman I was and more of the reckless drunk I was becoming.
I hated what my life had become; how I had let my marriage, my career, and my life get so off track.
I replayed the tape over and over in my mind; trying to figure out where I went wrong. I wondered how I let myself get fired from my job and/or gain fifty pounds. It was better for me not to think about it. When I did, I found myself immediately overwhelmed with fear. There was no possible way to right all of the wrongs I had created.
This was my life.
Addiction at its best will lie, manipulate, threaten, console, conceal and inject fear into the heart of anyone it meets. Addiction has a force all its own. My only defense against it was to surrender. I had to turn my will over. I could not master it alone, and I needed help.
I read a lot about a higher power, which I call God, from the program. It didn’t make much sense to me in the beginning of my recovery but as I stuck around in “the rooms” I began to gain insight and eventually, as I stayed sober and found recovery, it started to make some sense.
It wasn’t long until I started to believe in myself and my abilities to stay sober.
I had faith in a loving force that was so much greater than anything I had ever experienced, and it gave me peace and comfort to know that I wasn’t alone.
As my days turned into weeks, and my weeks into years, I began to cultivate this amazing relationship with God. It didn’t feel corny or strange. I didn’t feel embarrassed or reluctant.
I felt at peace.
God has given me more opportunities for growth and abundance than booze ever could. I stand brilliantly in my truth today because I took a leap of faith and believed. I believe that it is through our struggles that we find our strength.
If we never met with darkness, we would not appreciate the light.
This post was submitted by Amy B.
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A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.