That Girl Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
I met my significant other during the last two years of my active drug addiction, so he has seen me behave pretty badly. He was the one standing next to me apologizing for my behavior while we were out, and often came home from work to find me loaded on the couch.
I should mention, he’s one of those “normal” folks that can drink responsibly. That being said, when I got to the point in my recovery when it was time to take responsibility for my behavior, I did. I sat him down and apologized for the worry I put him through; the embarrassment, and the fact that he was often the target of my emotional tailspins.
It went very well. He listened, accepted my apologizes, and told me he was proud of all the changes I was making to ensure I would not repeat my old behavior. That was two years ago, and we haven’t really spoken much about it since.
Last night I showed him a random pizza recipe I found online, and told him I wanted to make it because it looked clever. He responded with, “I used to bring something just like that home all the time. You just don’t remember because you were always drunk.”
Whoa. Really?! I thought we covered this.
I was instantly pissed. Like red hot angry. Then I just felt really embarrassed because I realized he hasn’t forgotten a thing. Not. One. Moment.
Did I really expect him to forget the past? Just because I did all this work to become this shiny, happy new version of myself doesn’t make that other version of me any less real to him.
Sometimes I envy my friends who have partners who are also in recovery. I think this is one of those times. Maybe someone in recovery would know not to remind me of that ugly person I used to be; after accepting that that girl doesn’t live here anymore.
Maybe I just don’t like being reminded that she ever existed in the first place.
Rachel has been in recovery since October 29, 2010, and she’s not afraid to speak out about it. She lives in Michigan with her husband and two daughters.