Heroin Stole My Sister

Sober Mommies Heroin Stole My SisterMy little sister is an addict;
a full-blown, non-stop, can’t see the rock bottoms she’s hitting, heroin addict.

It makes my heart hurt.

The last time I saw her, I was embarrassed, ashamed, and afraid. That was over a year ago. My sister was so beautiful. She had two beautiful children, a fiancé that would have gone to the ends of the earth for her, a wonderful job in the medical field, and a family that couldn’t have been more proud of her.

We lost our brother very tragically, and she began abusing prescription drugs and alcohol. Years later, her mother died as the result of prescription drug abuse, alcohol, and mental illness, and my sister couldn’t find a moment of sobriety.

In the blink of an eye, she went from a doting mother to an addict who will do anything for a fix. A girl who got straight A’s in school to a girl who walks the streets at night. A mother who wouldn’t let her daughter go to the movies without her, to one that hasn’t seen her children in ten months.

My sister had a contagious giggle and a charming personally. She has lost them completely. No amount of intervention has helped. When she was gang raped in a cemetery and walked home in a torn t-shirt, it didn’t stop her. When the police arrested her in front of her daughters, it didn’t stop her. When she contracted Hep-C six months ago, it didn’t stop her. When her boyfriend/pimp beat her until her teeth fell out, it didn’t stop her. There is no saving her. No prince charming, no big strong father, protective brothers, or supportive sister; not even the cries from her children.Nothing.

I feel like she’s already gone.

I feel myself mourning her. I remember her laugh, the way she looked at her children, the way she looked up to me, and the way she cared for our father. I’ve lost her. I can’t call her just to chat. I can’t hear that laughter I love so much. Its been taken from me. I’ve been robbed, and no one will take the police report. My property will not be returned.

My nieces will never know the mother they could have had. Sometimes I hope there is a glimmer of  memory in her oldest, but then I wonder if I really do.  Is it better that they don’t remember at all?

I feel like I failed her. I failed my sister. I should have done more; said more, stopped more. When most of your family is spiraling out of control, who do you save first? My whole life has been about which fire to put out first. I never even saw her smoldering. I had no idea she would ignite that quick, or blaze that high and that fast. By the time I got there she was already gone. I remember our brother, saying “ I never want to see her strung out pushing a carriage down the street like the rest of those hood rats. We need to watch her.” I failed him too, by dropping the ball. Like my friend Julie says, addiction is a bitch.

I know as a rational person, I can’t save my sister, but my silly stupid heart screams I could have…should have.  I live with it every day. Sometimes I drive down the street and break down in tears because I want to hear her giggle. I want to see her giggle with her kids. I want my family back.

But heroin took it.

Addiction is a fucking bitch.

 

 

This brave, heartbreaking post was submitted by Anonymous.

 

 

 

photo credit: DerrickT via photopin cc

A collection of submissions from non-professionals – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share – about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, and also about what it’s like to live with an addict.

23 Comments on “Heroin Stole My Sister

  1. God talk about powerful . Im the sister the recovering alcoholic, and I can still hear my sister say I just want my real sister back , you have brought me to tears I remember hurting my own sister on the flip side of the coin it was me the addict the drunk and hating myself because I wanted to be better to be the big sister.today im lucky im sober I am the big sister she wanted. Thank you for sharing it makes me want to run over and hug her . I pray your get your sister back her children get there mother true to form yoyr right addiction is a raging hitch

  2. WOW. This post breaks my heart in so many ways for so many reasons. I understand the mourning and the letting go, and it makes me so angry at the disease of addiction. It really is a terrible asshole and doesn’t care who it hurts in its wake. It enters like a tornado and destroys everything it touches. I am SO sorry that your sister is so far gone, and I’m sorry that she can’t hear you or feel your love.

    I am a true believer that as long as we’re breathing there is hope for recovery, but I also understand the preparations for the worst. I will keep you and your sister in my prayers.

    Thank you SO much for sharing your struggle and pain with us here. It is my hope that through the sharing of it you may find greater peace and acceptance as well as the support you deserve.

    XOXO, Julie

  3. I use to be that sister who was so addicted that everyone lost hope and started to grieve me.Prescription pills, crystal meth, alcohol, crack, and heroine was the last.I lost my husband and only daughter.Its been 9 yrs since I’ve seen her but the good news is I’ve been sober a year on June 27th 2014 from everything.I started this drug called Suboxin and it has done wonders for me.Im praying for you and your sister and family that this will happen for you.Addiction I do not wish on my worst enemy….

    • That’s AMAZING, Holly!!! Congratulations!!! WOW. An old counselor of mine used to say that there’s always hope as long as we’re breathing. I believe that is true. That being said, I also understand and respect the defense mechanisms that family members need to protect themselves “just in case.”

      You are a miracle, and I am SO happy you’re here. Please stay. <3

    • Congrats!! Keep fighting the good fight – it’s incredibly clear how strong you are, don’t ever lose sight of that 🙂

    • Random but I did the whole suboxxene program too and it worked miracles, until I realized that my Dr wasn’t even concerned about weinung me off they wanted my money (just like a dealer) I couldn’t afford it anymore and ended up going cold turkey and well went back to smack and ended up in prison, truelly a blessing in disguise, I’ve been sober 2 years 1 of which I spent incarcerated. Good luck with your program I hope your Dr isn’t a money hungry prick like mine

  4. On January 29 2010 I lost my baby brother he just turned 25 December 22. 2010.my brother was clean for 6 months but surpose want to give him a refill with suboxone so you pick up one last time thinking if I did it one last time I can put myself in a program well the last time killed him. I’ve lost a lot of love ones a lot of close friends do to that stuff and all I want in this world is for my son to grow older and not to know what that stuff is. Life is way too short.your life day by day because you don’t know if it’s going to be a last… I hope that someday all the drugs will be off the street but until then we can only teach our kids not to touch this shit.

    • Missy,

      I’m so sorry for your losses. If you would like to share your story with us, please email me julie(at)sobermommies.com. You are not alone!

  5. I am a heroin addict. I’ve destroyed everything in my path. I used to be in the medical field and also have had many jobs but my addiction took over. My relationship with my family is destroyed and esp with my sister. I did not ask for this lifestyle and I hate living the way I do. My life is full of chaos and always has been. Unfortunately I was married and my husband and I used together. I have since left him for the 4 th time and I truly want to be a better person. I want to be that girl that people can look up to when they once did. Heroin was my best friend but I want my sister and my nieces to be my best friends. I’ve been through it all and it still hasn’t stopped me from using. I have since left my husband started counseling and going to meetings. I’ve been through that before and managed to relapse but I’m going to do my best and god is in the midst of all this so my sister can have her sister back and my family can have their daughter niece and aunt back. I will no longer subject myself to the devil. It’s going to be a hard process but I’m willing because I don’t want my family burying me.

    • Rita,

      We are here for you and are SO glad you’re here!! Don’t give up. Feel free to email me anytime julie(at)sobermommies.com!!

  6. My dearest sister Rita, I love you. YOU are why I get up every morning, you are why I fight tooth and nail against this disease. The disease that you, me, and thousands share. You never ever have to fight alone. When you feel weakest, WE will fight for you. If you need me, at any time, any where, I am here. racheltr31@yahoo.com
    Your sisters will carry you, the way they carried me.

  7. It took a lot of courage to reach out and your not alone! We will always be here for you and this is such an amazing, supporting group that has helped me come so far on my recovery! Your story touched me in a that reached the depths of my heart and I’m thankful!

  8. Rita is my daughter. I just happened to find tbis post. She is such a beautiful young woman. For 7 years now I have wondered when that call would come that she is gone. I tried everything to help her but to no avail. Well now she is on suboxen and doing well. I live in California and she is moving out here to get a fresh start in her life. As to the rest of the family they do not understand addiction. They have always said very negative nasty things to her. With this move out here to be with me and my husband (her stepdad) she is going to succeed.

    • Thank you SO much for leaving this comment. Your daughter is VERY lucky to have someone in her corner that understands the complexities of addiction!

      XOXO

  9. My mom & I have been praying to get my son back from the monster we call heroin. My mom just died 3 weeks ago. Now I feel like a one-man army. But I remember the words my mom would post to Facebook every day: “Dum Spiro Spiro” which translates to While I breathe, I hope. Rest well, my beautiful mom. I’ll NEVER give up on my son that you called Sunshine. God is with me I’m this fight

    • Kim you are far from a one man army!!! GOD and all of his angles are protecting your son GOD is a GOD of love even in the middle of hell we have created on our own. I once was lost but because I had a praying grandmother and father I am found. I have been clean for close to nine years. I was selfish and unwilling to listen to anyone because if was easier not to feel once I realize what I had done. I walked away from two amazing children who were 2 and 4 at the time. I had no one I mean no one from my family who would even talk to me but my grandma. Which mad it so much harder to get clean. One thing I have learned from not only living it out in my own life but also seeing it lives of others is this when u are in such a dark place there needs to be light somewhere in order to climb out of the whole we have dug ourselves. Always be the light in your son’s darkness no matter what he does let him know he is still loved and never stop praying nor loose faith Hebrews 11:6 says And without faith it is impossible to please GOD anyone who comes to GOD must believe He is (exists) and He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Your Sunshine will have me praying as well I will pray for GOD to protect him from himself. Just to let you know I do have one of those 2 children living with me the other I have a great relationship with and I also have 2 more and one on the way. The road has been long and very hard at times but I now have great people in my life who love me for me. My mother and I have serious issues she just has not forgiven me but its ok. I honor your fight for your son because so many do not have a praying mama

  10. Just because she’s a drug addict doesn’t mean she’s gone. I lost my sister 5 yrs ago to heroin. She was 21 yrs old. She was so beautiful. Tall, slim, independent. Worked full time. The only one of my mother’s 3 children who could 100% take care if herself. She was a little bit of a party girl, like most single 21 yr old girls, but nothing serious. I’m big sis, I was 24 at the time. While I loved my son and finance unconditionally, I envied her life. She was beautiful, single, and simply free as a bird. The day my mother found her syringe in her bedroom was the most traumatic that had happened in our family. It was also my mother’s 40th birthday. I remember we all went to dinner, and there was an emptiness that filled our hearts stsring at the seat my sister should’ve sat at with us. I was angry at that time, selfishly wondering why she put us all thru that. What the fuck was wrong with her? Fast forward 4 yrs later, now I’m in the same boat as her. I’m addicted to heroin. Nowmyfamily ststares at both of our empty seats at dinner, including my 10yr old son. I think back to those days and regret feeling that way towads her. I’m in her shoes and it hurts so bad, knowing how much your family hates you. She never left me or us or anyone.. We left her. When she needed us most. Together her and I will overcome our sickness. Maybe not today, maybe bit tomorrow, but mark my words, the two of us will be back at that God damned table.

  11. Because I was the one who disappeared right before my family’s eyes, this post makes my eyes well up every time I read it. I have just shared it with my siblings for the first time. You are so right and really, that addiction is a bitch pretty much sums it up. Thank you for your honesty.

  12. right now, this is me. my baby sister is 19 and a heroin addict. i feel so lost about everything. i feel the guilt of not knowing why and when it all started. i will never give up the hope that she can turn her life around even though i know she is the only one that can help herself and wanting change.

  13. This post hits home, my twin sister is addicted to prescription pay killers. It’s sad that he husband doesn’t see it and only enables the addiction. I have lost the sister, the best friend that I knew and loved. The shell of the person that is left is sadly nothing like the beautiful, hilarious thoughtful sister I had. I grieve daily the loss of my best friend and sister, i grieve the Aunt that my son has lost. I pray that someday she will find help and that her husband will push for her to get help as well.

  14. I admit, my tears are about to fall after reading this. We never have an addict in our family, but I know how it feels to lose someone, I know the pain, the fear of losing, the fear of being helpless and hopeless, that feeling when you know deep inside that you can do something, but you can’t figure it out, or that you’re very scared to try it. But there’s always hope.

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