I’m Sober, and I Still Love Getting Wasted
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I love getting wasted.
I enjoy the burn of alcohol as it slides down into my belly. I like the way my back sometimes pings with a dull aching pain during the first few sips. It’s uncomfortable, for sure, but it’s also an indication that it’s working.
I am an alcoholic.
This simple, yet complicated fact became clear to me after many experiments with the idea that I could be a “social drinker” if only.
If only I could start later in the day or maybe earlier. If only I just cut out the hard stuff or didn’t use a straw. If only I learned to pace myself and/or drank more water between drinks. Perhaps beer was the better option, or maybe wine.
“Normal” people don’t have a beer or two during a sporting event or function, and need to find an after party. “Normal drinkers” don’t think about locating a host’s liquor cabinet, because the aspects of social drinking don’t offer the immediate relief necessary to actually socialize.
If only I could have been a “normal” person, or ever actually hated being drunk, I might have had a less torturous view of sobriety.
I went to therapy, and cried about my life. I talked about my past, and the obvious reasons I was a flawed human being.
I blamed my mother for her lack of discipline, my stepfather for his lack of self-control, and my father for being too strict. I blamed my daughter for making me a “teen mom,” and the heaps of extra pressure no seventeen year old should ever have to face.
I blamed my daughter’s father for expecting me to be anything other than a broken toy.
I struggled with sobriety and the idea that the problem might be alcohol, because it definitely wasn’t.
My problem was Life, and alcohol was my solution.
As ridiculous as it may sound, recovery has not affected my love of drinking. I’m quite certain if it were possible to pull off constant inebriation, without the ugly consequences that followed, I would never have stopped.
If my drinking had not reached the point where the pain of drunken nights out-weighed the intense fear of sober ones, I would not have considered sobriety a viable option.
My sobriety date is May 2, 2000.
I did not wake up that morning and commit to never drinking again. I did not decide that day I no longer loved being drunk.
My sobriety date is not the day I decided I didn’t love alcohol anymore or the relief it provided. It was the day I admitted that the relationship wasn’t working. Much like the decision to escape an abuser, it was the day I decided no more.
That day I said out loud, “I don’t know how to stop this,” and asked someone to help me.
Life did not get easier the day I stopped drinking. In fact, for a while I was sure it was worse. Mostly because I had to feel and take responsibility for some really ugly truths about myself and many of my less than stellar choices. Getting sober was not easy or fun. It was very simply the only option I had when drinking wasn’t either.
Had I not gone into treatment, I’m not sure I would have been able to learn about and cope with the routines and triggers that continuously found me with a drink in my hand.
If you’re struggling with an addiction, waiting for the day you no longer love being wasted to seek help, please understand that is not a requirement.
I’m sixteen years sober, and I still love getting wasted. I just haven’t, with help, one day at a time.
Sixteen years of abstinence hasn’t changed my desire for relief when the stresses and pains of life hit. It has simply allowed me the opportunity to find healthier, more productive ways to combat them.
If you’re struggling with an addiction, there is help available.
Seasons in Malibu is a luxury rehab center located in Malibu, California. It is CARF-accredited, and focuses on the treatment of dual-diagnosis addiction.
Their staff specializes in treating a wide variety of addictions: alcoholism, opiate addiction, cocaine addiction and prescription drug misuse.
Seasons in Malibu provides a comprehensive, non-12-step alcohol and drug treatment program for both men and women. They use a systemic approach; individualized to fit each person’s needs and assess underlying causes in order to develop a targeted treatment and aftercare plan.
Please understand you are worth every single action necessary to change your situation and life. There is so much support here. We’re ready when you are.
**Sober Mommies received compensation in exchange for my time in writing this post and the inclusion of affiliate links. All opinions are my own.