Sober Mommies 9 Reasons I Want To Drink After 17 Years of Sobriety

9 Reasons I Want To Start Drinking Again

There is a part of me—even after seventeen years of sobriety—that whispers ever-so-seductively every summer that it might be acceptable to start drinking again.

Here are some of the reasons I’ve come up with over the years.

I miss drinking

Sometimes I mourn the fact that drinking—for me—is a horrible idea, but there is very little about my drinking career I actually miss.

I do not miss hangovers or having to ask someone to walk me through the previous night’s events.  I also appreciate waking up next to a man I recognize every morning, and knowing exactly where my car is parked.

Deduction: Even if I do sometimes miss drinking, I do not ever miss the consequences that almost always resulted.

I could probably just have one

Okay, this might be true.

I might be able to have just one drink tonight, be super proud of myself for beating the odds of alcoholism, and maybe even go to bed without anything catastrophic happening. I’ve heard many stories over the years of people doing just that. Unfortunately, many (not all) of those stories continue with two very important words that I must keep in the forefront of my mind.

“And then…”

I imagine my excitement over the ability to have just one drink and go to bed might last for a week… while I fancied how many nights a week I could put the kids to bed and have one.

And then…

Perhaps after an especially horrific day,  the wait might be too much, and I would decide it okay to put them to bed a little early. I might even justify this with all sorts of rationale regarding how tired they must be after their long day at school, but really it will only be so I can have my one drink and go to bed.

Given how quickly my priorities shift when I drink, I’d be willing to bet it wouldn’t take long for me to experiment with a two glass rule, and I’m sure the glass would also get larger. Perhaps it would take years for things to get as progressively bad as they were in 2000, but I know in my heart they would.

Deduction: One drink usually leads me to another, and the desire to be shit-faced as often as possible ruins my life.

I’m different now

I have my shit together: I’m married, own a house, I have two cars in the driveway. Things are different. I am different.

The truth is, the only reason I have shit to rub together today is because I got sober. I don’t “do” relationships when I’m drinking—mostly because they get in the way of my drinking, so I can’t imagine my marriage lasting very long. Plus, I often forget how to be faithful when I’m drunk, and predict that to be a rather substantial deal breaker for my husband. The house? Will most likely be awarded to him in the divorce, because he’ll be the one with full custody of our children. I don’t play mom very well when alcohol is an option; and I have very little desire to. 

I am different because sobriety forced me to take a look at myself and take responsibility for the choices I was making.

My life was a mess because until I got sober  I chose alcohol over the actions that could have made my life better.  

Deduction: If I want to keep my shit together, stay married, and continue an active role in the lives of my children, drinking is a terrible idea.

I could just get sober again

I could always just get sober again if my drinking turned into a problem. I have many friends who decided to drink after years of sobriety, with this very thought. Some of them have managed to renew their sobriety, after years of trying desperately, and some of them have not. Getting sober is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. If I’m honest with myself, I’m not sure I could do it again.

Deduction: If I don’t want to risk never finding sobriety or losing another 10-20 years of my life, drinking is a terrible idea.

I have an incredible relationship with God

I have an incredible relationship with God today – a power greater than alcohol. It’s possible I won’t get so lost if I drink now…because I have a spiritual solution.

This thought usually makes me laugh out loud. When I drink, I choose drinking over pretty much everything in my life. Alcohol provides a false sense of security and becomes my solution for everything. I quickly lose faith in all things that do not offer me instant gratification and lean on alcohol.

Deduction:  If I wish to continue having a relationship with God (and literally everyone else in my life), drinking is a terrible idea.

I’m more responsible now

I’ve grown up A LOT since I had a problem with alcohol, and I’m probably mature enough to handle the responsibility now.

I was 22 when I got sober, but had the maturity of a 15-year-old girl. I was 15 when I started drinking. Coincidence? Probably not.

When I think about my life back then, I feel tired. I remember how exhausting it was to balance all the things that I had to do (ie. parent, work, adult) and the things I wanted to do (get wasted, let loose, avoid responsibility).

I like my life today. Maybe that’s because I’m sober, maybe it’s not. Either way, I’m not willing to start a fire I’m not sure I can control because I own a lot of flammable shit.

Deduction: If I don’t want a 15-year-old girl running my life into the toilet, while whining and crying because adulting is so hard, drinking is a terrible idea.

Other people manage it

Other people get to get drunk and still live great lives. *crosses arms and stomps foot* IT’S NOT FAIR!!!

See? Even just the thought of drinking turns me into a very large toddler.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter how other people drink, how often, or what happens when they do. Experience has shown me – time and again – that a great life and alcohol don’t mix.

Deduction: If I want my great life, drinking is a terrible idea.

Drinking made me more fun

I am actually not a fun drunk person. Okay, that’s unfair. For like the first ten minutes I’m a hoot. After that, I’m either incredibly obnoxious or a complete drag; depending on my mood. Quite often, the only person unaware of this, is me.I have had way more fun since getting sober…and the kicker? I get to remember all of it.

Deduction: If I enjoy having friends, drinking is a terrible idea.

After seventeen years, I have earned it!!

What I have earned in the last seventeen years, one day at a time, is an incredible life that alcohol just doesn’t factor into anymore. Besides, “it” usually refers to that old false sense of relief and comfort I thought drinking provided. The truth is, the high prices I paid for that “relief” were never worth it.

Recovery has provided the opportunity to practice many other coping skills and tools to deal with stress, etc. that actually work. These tools do not offer immediate gratification the way alcohol did, but they don’t ever result in my wanting to kill myself either.

Deduction:  I choose sobriety today, and the amazing life I get to live because of it. Even after seventeen years of sobriety, drinking is a terrible idea.

This post originally appeared on Next Life, NO Kids.

Julie Maida lives in Massachusetts with her amazing husband and three children. She has been in abstinence-based recovery since May 2, 2000.

Julie is eternally grateful for all the gifts of recovery and fiercely determined to advocate for, and connect ALL women with the appropriate support and resources necessary to achieve their personal recovery goals. She writes about mothering with mental illness at juliemaida.me. 

10 Comments on “9 Reasons I Want To Start Drinking Again

  1. I’ve been clean 20 years. It’s early morning all I can think about is having 1 drink. So I googled what would happen if….. I found your article. All I can say is thank you

  2. Wow thank you for being of service to me, to others and sharing your truth!!!!!! I can relate so much to your article and on my 9 year sobriety birthday I needed to read this

  3. Thank you for sharing this. I have been sober for nearly four years after 20 years of heavy drinking. It’s funny about the thinking of how everything is so good in my life causes the circle of wanting that one drink but realizing that everything good has been a result of my sobriety.

  4. Wow! 27 months sober and this is what I needed to read, really wanting to be able to drink, found this post, and there it was all the reasons I gave up drinking. Thank you this has reinforced my desire to stay safe and sober

  5. I googled (4 years sober and I want to drink!) and found your article.
    Thanks for posting it.
    I went to the dentist today and had laughing gas and I enjoyed it so much! I just want to get hammered now.
    Actually for the last month or so I have been thinking about drinking. For 4 years I haven’t really had strong urges. I absolutely hit rock bottom when I quit. Why do I wan’t to go down that road again? Why can’t I just be happy being normal?
    I don’t know.
    Like you said. “It’s not fair!” lol
    Thanks again.

    • I completely understand. I was sober 17 years and just gave up. I could lay blame but the truth is: I am an alcoholic. David Cassidy’s interview brought it home. He was an ASSHOLE when he drank. The years the Partridge Family aired were the happiest of my childhood. Seeing him finally admit his addiction to alcohol was soooo humbling. The Pierce Morgan interview was humbling. David didn’t make it. To hear him say to drink again was to die is chilling because after all, isn’t that where we are all heading? I believe him.

  6. I am a little over 7 1/2 years clean, and have had strong urges and desires to drink in the last couple months. Whether it’s because I think it could be different, I want to relax, fit in, be “normal”, whatever it is; it’s hard to contemplate it so much with recovery in the background. I got clean at 18, so one of the biggest tapes that plays is that I was young when I got clean, so it’d be different now. I enjoyed your article though, it helped me get back to reality a bit.

  7. I am 21 months sober. I gained back everything I lost except the husband. My divorce was final today. My kids are in my life. Everything is supposed to be great. I work my recovery, I’ve called my sponsor, I’ve went to meeting, I’ve prayed. Yet some how I want to drink so bad right now. Been like this for a couple days. I can’t get it to go away. I googled why a person would want to drink after being sober 21 months and found this. Thank you it helped the moment.

  8. Thank you for this. I had 23 years sober and started the fire. It raged for almost 3 years and I barely got out alive. I’m 2.5 years sober again. My life is worth living fully sober.

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