I lost a lot of those people I called “friends” when I got sober. I was told to change the people, places, and things in my life. Truth be told, I didn’t have to do much to change the people. Most of my friends were really sick of my bitter drunkenness and countless rehabs, which made it impossible for me to drink with them anymore. That affected my motivation to continue the relationships, and when I got sober there weren’t many left.
Two years and some odd months later, I’ve made a lot of amends to those people, and thought I had started to rebuild some of those friendships – not so much. I never realized how many events are centered around alcohol until I got sober… WOW.
I now find myself with one friend; my sister. She’s my best friend and right hand man. She’s one of those “normal” people, and honestly I cant tell you the last time she even had a drink, because she just doesn’t find it appealing. I love my sister, and I value our relationship, but there are still times I wish I’d get a phone call from one of my old friends saying, “Hey! Come over! Come hang out!”
That never happens.
I don’t know if it’s because when we do hang out I’m uncomfortable, or because they are. Sometimes I’m invited to hang out with my sister’s friends where people will be drinking. This makes me nervous too; not because I’m worried that I’ll drink, but because I don’t know how to act in that situation.
I don’t know, I guess I prefer to spend my time with other sober people, because it’s more comfortable. When I’m in a room full of people who are drinking, God, I feel like the whole world is watching me. What do I say? How do I say it? If I make a joke, am I going to piss them off or are they going to laugh? I’m not sure how to handle these types of things. When it’s my house, I can control whether or not there is alcohol. I’ve noticed that people leave parties relatively early when that’s out of the picture.
Is this stupid?
13 Comments
Why would it be stupid? It is natural to hang out with like-minded people, you have more in common.
I agree, sober can be a lonely place. I’m in my 40’s, a single parent to two children, and trying to stay a non-drinker (Day 30). Still struggling when my kids are away at their dads house. Then it’s just me, and without my drinks to combat my loneliness, I’m left with my own thoughts. A new way to learn to live. Although it’s been hard, I’m excited for this journey, excited to feel what’s really REAL, and excited to learn about the real me (as scary as that is). I totally understand everything you say in your post, I feel the same way too. Thank you for your message, I find friendship and community in places like this:)
congrats !!! it is a new way of living learning to deal with real feelings that we cant hide from , it can be scary but so worth it in so many ways , and you dont have to do it alone so glad you so my post and it helped it helps me knowing im no so alone in all this just like you arent
Wow i really appreciated your aspects on the whole being a sober mom thing, i too am 2 years sober and have two kids. Im surprised how often i see posts on fb about old friends getting “fucked up” and it makes me feel a bit uncomfertable. Thanks a lot i enjoyed reading and i dont think anything you described was stupid! 🙂
thank you , it is a big adjustment i think , you see all your friends or , the people who where your friends while you were drinking and well there still out doing the same thing , i get invited to less and less it seems , and often i find myself thinking why are they drinking we just having a bbq , or a kids birthday party , i to get uncomfortable but ive learned to set some rules for myself before i go to stuff i always leave by 10 and if it seems like the drinking is the main part i leave before . but there are lots of things i get to enjoy more so now like my kids games , going to the movies , even just talking to others who are in recovery helps a ton i dont feel so alone .
Love this, lost all my friends but have my sister which sometimes sucks. Shes boring, Im boring. I feel like my life is boring now
It can be uncomfortable at times. I have been sober a long time and I know that alcohol would change my relationships….it does grease the wheels so to speak. Once in a while I will imagine what it would be like to remove the barrier of not drinking. Some people are instantly suspicious of non drinkers and it can be difficult. I have to remember that when I have those thoughts that I am not a social drinker…..I am the girl who ends up vomiting and blacking out. When I drink I make poor decisions and put myself in harms way. When I remember that it doesn’t seem like such a high price to pay….plus no hangover…..big bonus. Wishing you continued sobriety.
I found that when I quit drinking I had similar feelings at first . But you find out how your true friends are and the ones that don’t have time for u odvisley weren’t. The feelings I had when I started going out to gatherings where people drank where the same to until I started to do personal counselling and I started to realize it was just in my head . The drunk people don’t care and most of the time will not remember if you say or do something stupid and most never even notice if your not drinking . Also I stopped acting stupid so after awhile people seemed to be drawn to me at gatherings because I acted in a safe and more appropriate manor . Thus I started to develop new friendships that weren’t based on drinking and acting out . Hopefully this will come for u in time . The lonely feeling you get is from you thinking that your old ways are how you’re supposed to carry yourself out and about . Stop over thinking it and get out there . You only feel lonely because you want to be and can’t let go of the past .
I completely understand! I am checking out sober meetup groups, where people get together and socialize, or work out together, without alcohol being the central focus. Look for ones that say “no bars” or sober specifically. I also look for ones that are not dating groups because those can be meat markets haha. There’s more of us out there! It’s just about finding your new tribe 🙂
I’m a single mother of two amazing kids. I’m fairly new to recovery and I am finding it very difficult. I don’t have a big support system and I’m slowly trying to get the toxic people out of my life. I still have to depend on them for babysitters rids and places to stay. They are completely negative. I do not get out much bc I have no money and don’t ever have sitters. I just feel really alone. This is the longest I have been single all my other relationships where horrible abusive so I have a bad outlook on things.
Hey Ashely , I know how lonely it can be and being new in recovery is never easy , I know feeling alone because there’s no money or sitter I have 5 girls lol , finding support in these stories on the forums have brought beautiful woman into my life if you want you can message me anytime day or night . Keep reaching out you aren’t alone I promise
Oh my gosh, Ginny, it can be so, so, so lonely. I did most of my drinking alone, so I didn’t have drinking buddies and the group thing isn’t quite as hard for me, but there have been times I wanted to join in for sure and it just feels like I’m watching everything from outside my own body. That’s when I politely request a wine glass full of something that contributes to my sobriety. The feeling of the glass in my hand is my comfort and my security, and I always find what’s in it doesn’t matter. Huge love to you and keep up the great work! XO
Um no not stupid. You pretty much defined what I’ve been feeling.
This “I don’t know if it’s because when we do hang out I’m uncomfortable, or because they are.”
And this
“When I’m in a room full of people who are drinking, God, I feel like the whole world is watching me. What do I say? How do I say it? If I make a joke, am I going to piss them off or are they going to laugh?”
And everything else you said. Thank you for your raw honesty. It comes across very pure and authentic… I know I appreciate it.