Have you ever been in your head so much that you start hating yourself?
Has every thought just reminded you how much you despise who you are?
I can’t stand me.
I am so stubborn, willful, hardheaded, and resistant to asking for help that I have made myself miserable. I hate that asking for help feels like the most atrocious weakness to me. I hate that I want only what I cannot have, and keep working like a fucking freight train to PROVE that I can and should have it. It’s usually a relationship that was dead before it even started because of my desperation to have someone validate me, to make me okay. In short, it’s usually something completely self-destructive.
I hate that the obsessive thoughts that used to drive me to drink are now focused on alienating others, and spinning around in circles when I don’t get the reaction I want. I hate that I write a script for other people, and expect them to be a certain way. I hate that I have such unreasonable expectations with the FULL realization that they are unreasonable, but still believe I CAN make what I want to happen. I don’t have any fucking clue why I do that.
It’s insanity.
The truth is, if I continue to create chaos and drama in my life, I don’t have to face the fact that I feel empty inside. I don’t have to dwell on the reality that I have absolutely no idea who I am without a drink in me. I don’t have admit that I can’t change… because it’s too hard.
I’m 35 years old, and I don’t know how to cope with life.
Every day, I have to go out into a world full of people who have their shit together, or at least act like they do, and function; all the while feeling like an incredible idiot because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m ashamed of where I am in life. I’m ashamed to be me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know who I WANT to be, but so far, I haven’t had the guts to allow myself to become that girl.
I always had this expectation of how life would be in sobriety. I had this idyllic vision of having it all together. I would be powerful. I would be brave. I would be this amazing example of how recovery changes lives.
I would be everything I had always dreamed of being.
Every day, I wake up to uncertainty.
Every day, I am reminded that sobriety is not a magical fix for the real issue underneath the disease I live with—ME.
original photo credit: Lara Cores via photopin cc
10 Comments
Recovery requires a ton of hard work but I have found the rewards are well worth every bit of effort I have put into it. I would choose this life a million times over. I truly believe you can be everything you want, Shanna. I’ve always been drawn to you. You have a light. Don’t give up on that. Build off your light. You have a massive amount of people in your corner. That is a lot of energy to pull from, girl. I can’t wait to see you become everything you are meant to be. =)
Don’t be so hard on yourself! Everyone in recovery has felt the way you feel at some point in time. If they say they haven’t, they’re lying!! The only way through your fear is through it…It sucks but, that’s where the relief starts. 12 step work is what helped me, or I should say, humbled me. If you haven’t been through the steps, find a women’s group and just go and listen. You’ll find someone who you identify with. If you have gone through the steps, there is probably something in your 4th step, or maybe something left out, that needs more attention. Get on your knees every morning and ask your higher power to keep you out of your own way. Practice meditating, it works!
Thank you for being so candid. I empathize & relate. And I adore you
Shanna,
These things take time and work. You WILL get there. Maybe you aren’t living up to your own expectations but in my opinion you are powerful, brave, and an amazing example of recovery. The definition of Powerful is having great power or strenghth. You get up everyday in the face of uncertainty and you go on. You face the world in a state of mind (sober) that is foreign to us. This takes more strength than just waking up to a life that is perfectly laid out before you which makes you POWERFUL! Number 2 you are brave….anytime an alcholic can be honest enough to share their emotions on an open forum such as this it takes courage which means not deterred by danger or pain; BRAVE. Number three….you are still sober..living life one day at time doing the next right thing. I would say that makes you a fantstic example of recovery. I know first hand how hard it is and many times I feel the way you are feeling. However, I am not where I was or who I was seven years ago which is the best thing I can do for myself and those around me. My suggestion for you is to train your mind. Don’t let your brain tell you who you are YOU tell your brain I am powerful, I am brave, I am a fantastic example of recovery, I am loved, I am important, and most importantly I AM SOBER!!!!! Sending you love and light from Atlanta, GA.
“You are that which you are seeking”
-St. Francis Assisi
Hi Shanna, I don’t know of you, I just read this post. I can certainly relate to most of what you have said at different times in my life. I’m 44 years old and 37 days sober today. I still don’t think I could describe who I am or what my ‘purpose’ or passions are in life. I’m not sure that’s what we are supposed to do. As I read your post, I came back to an idea that always helps me.
We really already ARE who we want to be. It’s in us, we are that person that we love and wish for. It’s just in the believing that we get lost. We just need to believe it. When we believe it just a little, our light shines a little brighter, and the reflection of our light comes back to us in the form of love from others:) I believe THIS. I don’t always believe in myself, but I believe THIS.
It sounds like you are affecting and helping others in your journey. Watch carefully the love that is given to you…there is a reason it’s there. It’s all because of YOU. Thank you for this post, it helps me think about how I need to appreciate myself more too:)
Remember: “You are that which you are seeking”
Mallards4Us, You have the BEST response. I’ve been told that before too – that that person that we *want* to be, is in us and we CAN be that person. We just have to believe. It is so absolutely true and it can be hard to believe but when we do, everything gets so much easier. Just focus on that good!! Not the bad.
Everyone struggles but those of us who chose to give up on that struggle by choosing booze to numb the feelings, may be a little behind, may have stunted our emotional growth (the same way people who use food or other ways to ignore their feelings do). But we can figure it out and live totally fine, happy, full lives.
Thank you Shanna for your post!! I needed this tonight
Thank you. Words cannot express what I am feeling right now ready the beautiful and encouraging words that each of you wrote. You humble me. Deeply.
One of the hardest things about sobriety summed up with such raw honesty. It’s so hard facing up to the rough stuff but it must be done.
Your right it is insanity, the very definition in fact, to repeat the same actions expecting different outcomes. And yeah sobriety can suck just as bad as being addicted.
nobody ever said we have to love every second of life or every piece of ourselves.
I read your post. I appreciate your honesty. I have been clean and sober along time. Yes I felt everything you describe at one time or another. Looking at other people and wondering how they do it. At least your willing to talk about it. And not keep it in your head. It’s not that why MOST of the time anymore. I appreciate you for saying it. KEEP GOING FORWARD!! and I will pray for your new found peace that is coming!!