I Hate Myself Sober
Have you ever been in your head so much that you start hating yourself?
Has every thought just reminded you how much you despise who you are?
I can’t stand me.
I am so stubborn, willful, hardheaded, and resistance to asking for help that I have made myself miserable. I hate that asking for help feels like the most atrocious weakness to me. I hate that I want only what I cannot have, and keep working like a fucking freight train to PROVE that I can and should have it. It’s usually a relationship that was dead before it even started because of my desperation to have someone validate me, to make me okay. In short, it’s usually something completely self-destructive.
I hate that the obsessive thoughts that used to drive me to drink are now focused on alienating others, and spinning around in circles when I don’t get the reaction I want. I hate that I write a script for other people, and expect them to be a certain way. I hate that I have such unreasonable expectations with the FULL realization that they are unreasonable, but still believe I CAN make what I want to happen. I don’t have any fucking clue why I do that.
The truth is, if I continue to create chaos and drama in my life, I don’t have to face the fact that I feel empty inside. I don’t have to dwell on the reality that I have absolutely no idea who I am without a drink in me. I don’t have admit that I can’t change… because it’s too hard.
I’m 35 years old, and I don’t know how to cope with life.
Every day, I have to go out into a world full of people who have their shit together, or at least act like they do, and function; all the while feeling like an incredible idiot because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m ashamed of where I am in life. I’m ashamed to be me, and I don’t know what to do about it. I know who I WANT to be, but so far, I haven’t had the guts to allow myself to become that girl.
I always had this expectation of how life would be in sobriety. I had this idyllic vision of having it all together. I would be powerful. I would be brave. I would be this amazing example of how recovery changes lives.
I would be everything I had always dreamed of being.
Every day, I wake up to uncertainty.
Every day, I am reminded that sobriety is not a magical fix for the real issue underneath the disease I live with – ME.