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I’ve Tried, But I’m Not Ready To Stop Drinking

I’m grateful for this website even though I don’t belong here yet. I’m grateful that I can feel like a part of your stories even if I’m holding a drink while reading them.

I am an alcoholic.

I’ve known for years and sometimes I actually use it as an excuse to drink. I’m not ready to stop because I can still convince myself that it’s working; it’s doing its job.

I like feeling numb.

Feelings are often too much for me to handle and I’m afraid of them. I drink and they go away…sometimes.

I drink for those times.

Every time I start, I pray to not remember; to not do something that others will.  I fear that it is understood in my house, by my husband and children, that I will never get sober. I read your posts and want so badly to identify with the happy and peaceful feelings associated with sobriety, but I don’t.

I read your posts, and I secretly hate you for being so comfortable with the truth about yourselves. I want to feel better, but I don’t know how to stop hurting myself. I drink alone and all the time. I know that people know and I’m ashamed, but it never stops me. If anything it only fuels more drinking.

I hate myself, and the woman I’ve become, but I don’t feel capable of making the life changes necessary to get and stay sober.

I’ve tried! Four times I’ve tried to stop drinking, and have kept track of my days in a journal. No one in the house talks about my drinking so we don’t talk about my not drinking either. I’m sure they’re privately all just waiting for me to fail anyway…like I always do.

And then I drink again…just to take the edge off. And soon I find myself sitting in the corner of my bedroom drunk AGAIN; wishing I wasn’t, wondering how the fuck it happened. I’m so tired of letting everyone down.

I’m grateful for this website even though I don’t belong here yet. I’m grateful that I can feel like a part of your stories even if I’m holding a drink while reading them. I’m grateful for your stories and the courage you all have to share them openly, with your names attached.

I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to stop drinking.

But you give me the hope that someday I will be.

This AMAZING post was submitted anonymously.

photo credit: Gabriela Camerotti via photopin cc

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  1. You do belong !! I know that feeling it doesn’t matter if I’m sober or not . Oh well I’m drunk again who cares . They do care we care I care . Sobriety is a choice a life change it took me 4 years to actually get sober and stay sober and each time I fell off the Wagon god the shame only an addict knows . But lady you do belong and I we are here to help to listen . Here’s my e mail you ever need to vent need someone to listen I’m here to help and so are these lady’s valcala49@yahoo. Com

    1. You are amazing, both of you. She couldn’t have hit the nail on the head better as to how I relate. One gets tired of feeling like a failure. Thank you for sharing this, I finally don’t feel feel so alone.

    2. Im feeling the same way i want to stop so bad but dont…the worste part is im teaching failure to my babies…just when i think im doing good and coaping … i self sabotage and drink…i will find myself in a liquor store completely out of the way paying with pennys because i have aready drank money i just got. Then i lay around the next day absolutely useless…im slowly killing myself and hurting my family … i feel so hopless

      1. I’m there too, I want to stop but don’t even make it past one day. And I have tried several times. I know I’m going to be broke soon. I just took off work yesterday for being hungover and it was a Sunday. I passed out on the couch with a bowl of Mac and Cheese, you see I binge drink then I binge eat. I’ve gained 50 lbs in the last year because of it. Then I’m not happy about my body and I drink more to forget it.

        1. I completely understand and this is my situation too. You are not alone.

          1. It is 29 June 2021 and this is me too. God it is so good to hear it like this from someone else. Why is it so hard, medication does not help me. How can we want something but not want it at the same time. Alcohol is a cruel mind fucking drug.

            I hope you found your sobriety and we are all here together xx

      2. I just wrote the truth about my drinking… then decided moaning isn’t going to help. I know what I am. I don’t like it but i’m not hurting anyone but myself. My kids don’t like me drinking so I don’t when they are here, if I am with friends I am the party/fun girl. The next day I’m first up and out. It’s my demon and I am not yet ready to fight it… but I will not let it destroy my family and friends. It is my battle, not anyone else’s. no one is responsible. I don’t much like myself but I do know people care about me and I will not make them feel bad for my actions.
        There will be a day when I can deal with it, when I know I can cope, when I know I don’t need to relax with a bottle or two….and until that day I owe it to the people who love me to deal with MY problem, and not make it there’s.
        I think I am a lucky person so if you are in need, I am always willing to listen. I can’t fix it but I can empathise and maybe together we can get through it

      3. I am so in the same boat as this post and yours. You’re not alone/

  2. I feel like I could’ve written this myself 5 years ago. All I can say is, I IDENTIFY. And, my dearest Sister, you belong here. We love you, because we are you. You are the bravest blogger I have ever read for putting these thoughts down so truthfully. Your courage is inspiring & I wish I had some of it.

    1. Im there. I’m there now. How did any of this help her? Did it help her at all? Og ut did i want to know what ut was and how

      1. I’m in the same position. Don’t know what to do. Just seen your post is 2018. So i’m hoping your in the same place? mx

        1. Today I am reading this post and I literally felt as if she was in my head. I am there with you…

        2. Greetings,
          I am in the same situation…. I want out but don’t know how. I feel lonely, single Mom and bills, job… I need help!

          1. Are you still struggling? I’m also a single mom and it’s like it’s all crashing down around me. Another failed relationship and it’s like I’m trying to escape. The liquor helps me feel hope for a moment while the real issues settle deeper within my soul. My heart hurts and as my daughter gets older the less capable of a parent I feel. I keep looking for an outside solution and I know it’s not right. My drinking has landed me in nothing but bad. Im sad and alone and so deep into deception it’s insane. I feel like I just want to tell all and let it go.

  3. It took a lot of courage to write that story and two years ago that’s exactly where I was. I believe in this woman that one day she will get to where we are and I hope she may have a feeling that all the amazing women in this group I can now call my friends will be here for her too. I’m not sure her situation or what her support system is but whenever she’s ready she will have an amazing support system here. 24 hours a ray, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year!!

  4. I have read this post seven times, and I cry every single time I read it. This post describes how I felt about my drinking, AND how I sometimes feel about other things. I am in love with this post. I am SO grateful that you felt comfortable sharing with us. I hope you’re reading these responses, and feeling more like you belong here. YOU DO belong here.

    I’m so glad you’re here.

  5. Your post describes me just 6 months ago. I did not want to quit drinking but I reached the point where I could not continue. I finally hit the point where the feelings of despair out weighed the relief I gained from having those drinks. It has not been easy but whenever I feel like I would give anything to have that drink again I remind myself I would not give my sobriety for it. Hang in there and keep reading the posts of these wonderful ladies.

    Sending you a big hug!

  6. Sweetheart. I think maybe you’re asking for help. I think maybe you want us to tell you how to get to the other side, and we ALL want to help you do that.

    What do you do when you’re really sick? You go to the doctor, right? Well, alcoholism is an illness, a PHYSICAL ailment, which also affects your mind and soul–just like any other illness does. You need and deserve MEDICAL attention. And a lot of TLC for all the awful feelings you have.

    I know all too well how scarey the decision is. There’s a story that really helped me sober up. A friend of mine was trying to be supportive of another alcoholic friend of hers. He decided he just wanted one last hurrah. Just one more night of drinking, and then he’d get sober for sure. He got so drunk that night that he passed out, vomited, and suffocated. Tomorrow never came for him. Make sure it does for you. For your children too, but mainly for you. You deserve help, hope and joy. Trust me–there will always be another bottle avaiable should you change your mind, but why not try sobriety just for a bit? There are so many caring professionals who want to help. But you have to call for help. You’ve done it here. now pick up the phone and call a doctor, or go to the E.R. YOU ARE WORTH SAVING.

    1. It’s not an ailment. Cancer lupus and Thon ga you vann og øre vent are an ailment. I CHOSE to drink again.

      1. Doesn’t mean you don’t hurt Amanda. I agree it’s a choice not an ailment. It’s an escape. It’s not a great way to deal with stuff we all know that. Most of us are taking anti-depressants and told not to drink. Our heads tell us differently. But the one thing is that some one cares. Whether it’s children, other family, a friend, or someone who feels the same as you….someone does care x

        1. I am happy if these comments help some people. Yours just made me tear up as well as some others that I’ve just read. I’ve read comments such as this in another website. Some give me strength for a little while and then some bring me straight to the bottle. I am tearing as I write this. I play games with my mind constantly. Some times I think I’m alcoholic and sometimes not. I am beginning to truly believe that I don’t know what I am or what I’m not. Totally confused is what I am. Is drinking an asset because it helps me get numb and takes away the pressures, or is drinking in it’s self only one more added pressure that I am choosing to add to the list? If it is the latter then I am confident enough to realize I am insane. If I cannot handle the pressures of life, then why would I continue to make more for the past 40 years of my life?

  7. I quit drinking 365 times the year before I quit. Every morning I would tell myself I am not doing this again…I’m done. Then every afternoon I started to feel better and my car just drove itself to the store again…and again. All over again. I can totally relate to everything you have said except for one thing. You do belong here. I always knew I was an alcoholic. In fact if someone told me they were sober I would interview them secretly. I wanted so much to have what they had, but I didn’t know how to get it. I did lots of research on the computer, etc. I stalked sites just like this, hoping I would see the magic cure and find it in me to stop. One night I saw an ad for “The Cure”. They didn’t have a place where I lived so I read the book. That phone call, and the call to a therapist was my first step to getting better. It took major guts for me to reach out to someone. I decided to go to a therapist to quit drinking because I didn’t want to go to AA. I was with her for 5 months before I finally checked myself into rehab closeby to detox. She was very good with me. She never pushed, but when I was ready I finally took action. What seems funny now is that I was more afraid of what would happen if I quit than what I was doing to myself daily. I celebrate my 2 years of sobriety tomorrow. I am very active in a 12-step program, even though I said I never would. By surrounding myself with people that just “get me” because they are or have gone through the same thing…I am so much better. Whether you go to a program, therapist, whatever…its your choice. And its your choice to keep doing it. Whatever you decide to do there is support. I love this website. Keep checking in. You will quit when and if you are ready. Just know we all understand. xxoo

  8. It’s ok. It’s ok. I wish I could reach through this phone and hug you. You remind me of myself. I never saw myself quitting drinking and using. I’m convinced to this day that my desperate need to use wasn’t removed by myself. It was removed by my higher power. By you being brave enough to write this post you are asking for help. It will come to you. I hope you have meetings near you. They helped me tremendously.

  9. “God will determine that, so you must remember that your real reliance is always upon Him.” ~ Page 164 of AA’s Big Book. It’s the last time the word “must” is used in this basic text of AA. You say you can not quit – you are right, YOU can not do this because you are powerless … over alcohol … over everything else in life. I know that the word “God” is increasingly unpopular these days in my area, but a “right relationship” was and is essential to my ongoing recovery that has gone on for over 24 years now; one day at a time. God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers. 🙂

  10. Yup, this is me exactly. Thanks for sharing. I know you and I will get there someday soon.

  11. Hi, Every thing these great people are saying is true. BUT. You are deliberately ingesting a substance that is toxic to you, your life, the people around you. Just don’t wait to quit until you kill someone or yourself! I was there and know the pain and lies you are telling yourself. You Can Overcome!

    1. Hey Ed,

      Please dial down the judgment. She is being honest and you are being hyper-critical in a space and community that should encourage compassion, support and empathy. You should probably focus more on not calling people out on things and doing some sort of outreach in the recovery community. I wish you the best but please slow your roll and realize it is most respectful to meet people where they are at regardless of your own personal standards or beliefs about what recovery is. At the end of the day recovery looks different for different people, it is not cookie cutter.

  12. I am beside myself with love and appreciation for your brave, honest, and REAL words! If I could hug you, I WOULD! Thank you. Thank you for putting into words how SO MANY others feel. I was right where you are and I applaud your ability to be honest with yourself. It’s your time when it’s your time to quit and I know that you are more aware then most and when you are ready to stop suffering, you’ll know. You deserve so much more my friend!! That’s the reality. I will pray for you! Here is my email address if you ever want support or someone to talk to! MUCH LOVE TO YOU!!!

  13. Go to at least one meeting and then see if you’re there yet. I was ready but not really ready when I quit. I drank every weekend since I was about 12, until about 5 1/2 years ago, it became an every day thing. I’d wake up every morning telling myself I wasn’t going to drink, and it didn’t work. I loved alcohol but hated it at the same time. I wanted to quit so bad but at the same time I was never ready. I believe there will never be a time that you’re “not ready”. It was by the grace of God… Almost a year ago my fiancé decided to quit, I, again, wanted to but didn’t want to.. I decided I would support him and quit myself. I didn’t think I could do it, but I went to my first meeting that night and it is what has helped me stay sober. So many stories I could relate to. Just try one meeting, it could possible save your life if you want it to. Best of luck, don’t forget you do belong!

    1. Hi. Oh wow. Well hubby & I quit a few months ago. He loves sobriety. I hate it. I was drinking daily and nightly. Too much. He drank nightly. I’m miserable. He likes this.
      I never feel happy anymore. Never feel relaxed. I can’t be happy like this. He is likely straying now because I’m no fun. I am not myself ever anymore.
      Neither of us ever were falling down drunk or slurring. We sometimes would get into bad fights however. That’s why he said WE are quitting.
      I HATE this. But I’m still doing it as he says he will leave me if I drink as he is worried we will fight and hurt each other. I think he is worried only about himself hurting me. I am miserable the more time goes by. I will never feel normal like this. I HATE EVERYTHING NOW.

  14. You are incredibly courageous! I hope you find the strength to get sober and get well again. You are worth it! You are not alone and so many of us die in the disease. My hope is that you discover there is a better way to live, but you can’t go from zero to sixty, it’s just one day at a time! For all of us, and we all start at day one! Good luck! It doesn’t sound like you have lost a lot yet, other than yourself! There are so many yets you can still avoid if you get off these tracks! ??

  15. I was exactly where you are, I use to pray daily “I would not drink today”, then of course I chased that away with a drink. Everyone knew the elephant in the room, but no one said anything. I used to say I will drink till I don’t want to drink anymore, and that made me feel better, as if I had any control over it. Well God works in mysterious ways for me and the day came when I didn’t drink, and that was the day CPS came to my house and took my kids because someone told them I was unsupervising my kids. And it was true. They had my kids for a total of 8 months (my sister took them for me) and in that time I had to do mandatory rehab and outpatient and many other “self” classes. I had to test 3 times a week mandatory and go to court every month. In that time, I realized something, this really what had to happen for me to realize how selfish I was being in not being the mother that I could be or much less, wife, daughter, sister, etc. The person that my being deserved. I forgot how it was to just be me without a drink. I had to relearn everything, down to the way I took care of myself. That was not supposed to happen, I never saw my life without a drink, I was never supposed to have a day or sobriety, and this is what it took. Now I will never know what that 8 months did to my kids, but I am grateful it happened. That is selfish, but it’s a selfish thing you have to go through. I celebrated 3 years on 3/15/2014, and I still remember that it’s very easy to get back to where I was, but what keeps me is watching my children grow up and trust that I’m around for things, I get to experience life without the chains around my ankles that drinking kept me in. You are on of us, you are a survivor and we are all here waiting for you! It’ll happen, just keep believing it can and you will get here!

    1. Thank you for bravely and honestly sharing your story. I earnestly hope and wish the best for you and your children.

  16. Never stop trying. If it takes you 5 tries, 10 tries, 20 tries someday you will get there and in the meantime try to love yourself for attempting sobriety even if it takes more tries to get there then you want at least you are taking baby steps towards it. My co-worker quit a handful of times over a few years until the last time he quit which was 17 years ago, if he had given up he wouldn’t be 17 years sober today.

  17. i felt exactly like this for years. id wake up everyday and swear it would be the last. by noon everyday, that feeling would fade. i couldnt understand how other people could do it and be happy about it. nothing ever clicked in me like it did them. i was envious. i was angry. i was DRUNK. today, im 12 days sober. and it doesnt feel good at all. my anxiety is eating me alive. im tearing myself apart about every little thing that i ever did wrong. being sober for me right now is more painful than being drunk. the only thing that feels good is not being hungover everyday. and as reality sets in and things arent so transparent…. i remember why i drank in the first place. its this shit. these feelings. these thoughts. its easier for me to feel bad about drinking. to be completely consumed by alcohol so i dont have to think about anything else at all… but im sick of being a chicken shit. and its time for me to step up and fix the actual problems in my life. try and evaluate your life and see what you are really hiding from. maybe, just maybe, it isnt the alcohol that is your primary problem. good luck to you. and remember nothing lasts forever, whether good or bad.

    1. This is all me as well. I’m 32, no kids but I still need to be here. I’ve been an alcoholic probably since I was a kid learning how to drink. The last time I went to AA was 10 or so years ago. I’ve been to a few meetings but always went back to drinking. It’s breaking my heart but I am realizing too that I’m going to feel REALLY BAD staying sober at first because of all the things I’ve done and have to work through. About 2 years ago I quit drinking for a month after hurting my boyfriend making a really stupid drunken phone call. It broke my heart that I hurt him so bad that I pledged to quit. I thought I had some strength this time…after drinking too much at a family party on Sunday I wanted to quit for an extended period of time…I made it 2 days. I don’t know what came over me last night but I just gave in. Another lovely black out evening. I’m exhausted and so tired of hating myself. I want to be me…the real me. But I keep fighting it. I’m just like the author of this post, minus children I guess. But my boyfriend, family and nephews mean the world to me and I want to be better for them, for me. My boyfriend is also an alcoholic…and has no desire to quit. That’s very hard on me but I want to try to do this anyway and stay w/ him. He knows how much I hurt from it. He’s too easy going about how drunk I get…so this is really tough. I need help. Was going to go to a meeting last night…but drank a small box of wine on the way home instead. Awful being in this head…… you all know too well.

      1. I can relate completely. I also don’t have kids. I feel exactly how you describe. Just trying to cut back on alcohol but the anxiety is so effing hard. I’m starting a new job AND going through a really hard breakup.. I don’t know if this is the best time to quit.. but usthere ever a good time? And right now all I can think of is the bottle wine in the fridge that I want to open.

  18. Dang, that is one incredibly well articulated and brutally honest letter. It hits home for me because its what my beloved husband has been telling me for the past year. “I know its a problem, but I don’t want to stop drinking.” Its a statement that I have no idea how to respond to. But I love him, I love him with every cell in my heart, and I miss him. And so I fight for us, and I say things that I hate saying, i make threats because nothing else will get his attention, and I do it because I love him too much to sit by any longer and do nothing. And Yet my heart breaks, knowing that I am asking him to give up, to say goodbye, to something that he loves dearly. But I need him to love me more.

  19. This is where I was a week and a half ago, and today, I am struggling so hard and reaching out as all I want is a bottle and my bed and for the first time in a long time i really really want to hurt myself. i am having such a hard time feeling my feelings and am so sad right now. I have 11 days sober today. Thank you for your post. it was brave and honest and a good reminder for me. Dont stop trying. you are worth it.

    1. You are me and I am she.

      Im not ready either. Even though I drink too much and feel like shit too often…

      But I am getting there…..

  20. I am just reading this tonight after a google search for “I know I’m an alcoholic but I don’t want to stop drinking.” I don’t want to stop! I hide it from my husband, my friends, my family. I try to keep up this perfect image but the need for numbness comes. It takes over. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t want to let my friend go. It offers me comfort in a world I don’t feel comfortable in. I’m relieved to know I’m not the only one.

    1. Welcome, Sarah!

      I’m so glad you’re here, and that you’re not hiding it from US! We understand how well your friend takes care of you and how hard it is to imagine life without alcohol. I get it. I lived it. I got sober and stayed sober when the pain of my life WITH alcohol became greater than my fear of living WITHOUT it. It took what it took for me, and if you do decide some day that you wish to try again, we’ll help you get there! In the meantime, we’ll support whatever choice you decide is right for you today. You are NEVER ALONE AGAIN, Sister. <3 XOXO ~ Julie

      1. Thank you Julie! 🙂 I’ve gotten it down to only a couple times a week. When I’m ready to completely let go I will… just not quite there yet… 🙁 Thank you for your support! xoxo

  21. Wish I could talk to this person. I soooooo identify

  22. I’ve never even been to this site and I rarely leave comments. A friend sent me a link to this post and I feel compelled to respond. Anybody that is sober has been exactly where you are, the exact same spot. It’s an awful place to be. I was stuck there for a very long time. Once I learned that I wasn’t alone I found hope and began to believe the things sober people were saying. They said things like, “life is so much better…if I can do it anybody can…waking up sober never gets old.” I drank 1-2 bottles of wine nearly every single day for 10+ years. During that time I couldn’t fathom life without alcohol. Now, I wouldn’t trade my sobriety for anything. Brave girl, life can get better for you too. You don’t have to feel so awful any more, just don’t drink today. And tomorrow do it again.

    1. Wow! That sounds so simple. I’ve hit a thousand times I think. I’ve been to meetings, then quit. I’m ashamed to go back. I just keep going back to the bottle. Every other night, or every few days. My face is puffy, my eyes are red. Ugh! I am so frustrated w myself.
      The longest run in years was 17 days of going to AA (almost every day).
      I will try again. Today & then just one more dry day. I will get back to a meeting. Maybe if I can meet on my drinking schedule. I need to let it go.

  23. I know the feeling all too well. I’ve tried quitting too many times to count with determination to never pick up a drink but hey I’ve gotten so used to that drink to deal with life that I never really make it past a week. For some reason my life has always been a series of moderate struggles and to hold off on drinking can seem torturous to the point that my neck gets very tight bec the stress gets too much. It’s probably bec I’ve been drinking for so long and using it to deal with stress that when I try not drinking I get into anxiety mode. I can’t function with that amount of anxiety and medication is not the answer bec it’s just as habit forming as alcohol and worse. So here I am after 8 days of complete sobriety holding a redbull vodka and feeling at peace. I gotta live

    1. I kinda adore you. Thanks for the honesty.

  24. Unfortunately I sit here typing this drunk…the fact that I’ve even looked up I’m an acholic how do I stop on the Internet obviously says enough…but I just don’t think I can stop..ever….yeh I can cut down..maybe have a few days tops with no booze…but I love drinking…I worked away in mining once I left school..and I know it’s not an excuse but everyone drank big time up there…..and for a bloke when uve done ur 12 hr shift and you work away for a month it’s always…common mate let’s go smash a few beers! I think this has influenced me big time..because now everytime I do hard work in the sun..all I wanna do is have some cold beers…because back then if I didn’t I’d be a weak cunt..pardon my french…and now I drink everyday after work…some days much bigger than others. I mean I still wake up..go to work and do my job..but I’m either hangover or tired but still finish my day saying fuck I’m not drinking tonight…and course the day finishes and right into a beer. And sadly it’s mostly by m y self….and I no its been the reason of my last 3 break ups..but at the time I was blaming her and trying to make some excuse it was her fault and not mine…but I then realized it was me and my drinking 🙁 if you guys have stopped how did you do it…does a meetings actually work?? But we’re you all ready to stop?? I don’t think I am…I see myself 10 years from in a nice paradise place travelling or something..with a cold beer and a cigarette in My hand…I don’t think I can /want to stop but I know I need help!!

  25. i drank for the same reasons. i have been sober for almost 11 months. i am not one of the many who are comfortable with themselves. but my support team tells i will get there with time, with the treatment i am receiving, & i have faith in the people who tell me. i dont have faith in myself, i cant even imagine ever getting there, but i believe in them, they tell me i can do it, so i keep trying.
    please find a therapist you feel comfortable with. she/ he can help you sort thru the feelings you are trying to avoid. im learning to control my feelings, to understand where they come from & i know that feelings are not facts, they are reactions, they are based on past experiences. the biggest thing to remember is just that – feelings are NOT facts. its being drilled into me to always slow down & check the facts. i dont go to aa or smart recovery or anything like that, i have a therapist & psychiatrist & psychiatric nurse practitioner & attend a day tx program. aa & things like that are not for everyone. its not for me. it didnt work for me. find what works for you. please dont give up.

  26. I hear her LOUD and clear. How does one extricate themselves from booze when beyond it being a balm for the soul, it is a large part of your identity.

  27. Hi there. Is anyone still here? I am like her. I dont want to stop drinking. I am also not an alcoholic. I just drink too much maybe once a month. So I dont see it as a problem? But one night I drank so much that I didnt wake up when my baby cried and now my husband said I should never drink again. But alcohol is the only thing that makes me happy. I will usually just have two drinks on a weekend, but then once a month a totally overdo it, and then he is cross. Once I had too many drinks, i refuse to stop drinking. Then I drink until I am very drunk and not capable of taking care of my kids.

      1. I dont find anything happy or positive or satisfying about staying sober. I am truly just more unhappy than I used to be when I still had alcohol at times. Can you help me?

    1. Twilig,. I hope good things for you and I hope that you’re right about not being an alcoholic. However, being an alcoholic is something that sneaks up on you. When you said that once you had too many drinks you won’t stop, it was a bell ringer for me. That is a Hallmark symptom of alcoholism. Just something to think about.

  28. I am here, too. I want to stop, but I literally cannot bring myself to face the things I’m not thinking about when I drink. I want to be the mother my children deserve, but I really can’t because I am trying not to run away-so I drink to forget I want to run. I want to be the wife my husband deserves, but I can’t because I really don’t know if I want to be with him anymore, but I also can’t figure out WHY I don’t want to be with him anymore-so I drink to forget that I don’t want to be with him but don’t know why. I drink so I don’t have to think about how shitty a person I am, then when I sober up I realize that I’m an even shittier person because I drink too much and it hurts. It hurts them. Then I drink because I hurt them. Because I’m a drunk and a shitty person.

    1. Nikki, you are not a shity person. You are a person with a drinking problem that coincides with your life problems. Go easy on yourself and maybe look into getting some help.

  29. I want to drink but should not drink. I know something bad is going to happen. I feel like two people. The first is that I am a drunk who hides and drinks every night. It is starting to leak into other parts of my life in that I get drunk at a family gathering. I feel so ashamed and humiliated. My husband knows but I have minimized it. During the day, I am totally functional. I exercise, have a great job, great friends and always have a great husband. However, alcohol is my reward at the end of the day. Once again, How can I give up something I love that is killing me?

  30. I need to stop too after many years of numbing for reasons I totally and have had 20 years of therapy for. I feel wise and self aware and have put in a lot of very hard work to manage crippling anxiety, depression and now PTSD after finding my husband who had hung himself, leaving me and our six year old cherub alone forever.

    I drank before he died and since. Now I am working again after 5 years of constant stress and struggle. I have repartnered with someone who drinks too and it is coming between us. Something has to change!

    I am sorry to reiterate the problem and linger on the challenges. But to begin with I can’t imagine fighting every single day for the rest of my life to avoid alcohol and push back the feelings. That seems a life sentence too – a never ending, conscious and exhausting task. I am already preoccupied every single moment of the day reframing life to manage mental illnesses. To add another control feels like my world wld need to be even more regimented and controlled.

    By being sober I might live longer but I can’t imagine how fighting against alcohol everyday for the rest of your life would feel like ‘freedom’. It is clearly a daily battle for most. Angry that this illness doesn’t seem to curable, just held at bay.

    I also don’t think I’d fit in to in a group or community who had to live in exile because of their disease. Most of all I hate tea. I don’t play cards. As a single parent, don’t have the time to play sport, take a class at take up a hobby to avoid the after work danger zone. Although, I do crochet crazy, non traditional things for fun but it’s haed to be inspired at the end of the day to do more than that without a wine.

    I would like to drink in moderation like everyone else. I have spent 20 years working on my mind and issues and have learnt so much about myself. I practice mindfulness everyday and know exercise makes me feel fantastic. BUT the formula is not working because none of it delivers the same feeling. So frustrating and it leaves me feeling a bit hopeless about signing up for yet another regime of day to day control and avoidance for the rest of my life.

    Sorry to be such a downer but these are real challenges for me.

  31. just found this post on another desperate day 1, pissed off at myself for drinking yet again last night… actually the last 4 nights now after a 7 days of being sober (big whoop right?). just sitting here at work, googling articles on how others got sober, how their lives are now etc etc etc. sponging it all up. i feel on the edge of a breakdown today, trying to hold my shit together while i sit at work, miserable inside by “smiling” on the outside. yeah not really, i am tired of faking it… i am miserable in all ways right now. feeling so lost, so clouded and that i am drowning by the thoughts of alcohol. do i drink? am i going to drink today? should i drink? what am i going to drink? will it give me a skin reaction again? will i feel like shit? maybe i shouldn’t drink. then i see this Instagram post of this couple on their vacation and she posts a close shot of their two drinks and the pretty ocean behind it… you know the pics i am talking about i am sure, we’ve all shared them. *hey look at us living our best lives on our tropical vacation, sipping drinks by the pool or ocean* ones. then i think, well, maybe i can just keep drinking, that i am totally overreacting here and just chill the fuck out… just have a drink and call it a day. back and forth back and forth all. day. long. i don’t know HOW to shut my brain the f*k up!!! i am living in a constant and mental hell right now, and i just don’t feel like i can hack it anymore. anyways, just stumbled on this article now and i feel like i could have written this… i am right in that hell right now. its not fun.

    1. I can relate completely. I also don’t have kids. I feel exactly how you describe. Just trying to cut back on alcohol but the anxiety is so effing hard. I’m starting a new job AND going through a really hard breakup.. I don’t know if this is the best time to quit.. but usthere ever a good time? And right now all I can think of is the bottle wine in the fridge that I want to open.

  32. I understand, I relate. I’m in the thick of it and see zero way out. I’ve attempted to stop drinking a number of times. I had a run in with too much alcohol mixed with some benzos and an extra serving of self pity, and sounded awful enough on the phone that a friend called 911 on Tuesday. Ambulance, ER.

    The whole bit.

    My X had texted while I was in ER, I informed him I was in the hospital, he came and upon leaving (driving me home after being discharged ) he ripped me a new one and the following morning. I’m even more dead inside now. I didn’t even know that was possible. It was a mistake to let him know I was there, I should have handled it myself.

    Here I am again. Considering a drink (who can possibly understand after that, I still want a drink) because this world I am in, the one with clarity and too much remorse is one I can’t stand. Theres no coming back from the carnage I feel I’ve left in my wake.The embarrassment, the shame.

    It’s only 10:22am. I got dressed an hour ago to go to store. I’m just buying myself some time till I do. Reaching for straws.

    Everything is taking extra long today, long pauses. I brushed my teeth while staring at a bottle of lotion seemingly forever. This battle which is won by many seems like a fairytale to me, or not destined for me, and I am utterly alone.

    I understand all the words written here. I am grateful to have found this site today. In my life I am wrought with the realization I am alone, a failure and don’t feel anyone truly cares. I’m a write off.

  33. I don’t want to be sober. I’m secretly excited because I just found out they make mini boxes of wine — 500 ml. But I do want to be sober. I’m so confused. I hate who I am.

  34. I know that I should and it could be better; why do I want my addiction more than anything? I have tried so many times, and I don’t think it’s about trying anymore. It’s about being willing to let it go and find life another way. Why isn’t sober life as rewarding? I think it’s a huge character defect in me- maybe like all addictions . . . me doing it my way on my terms.

    1. Dear P,

      Please be patient with and kind to yourself. This whole recovery thing is NOT easy, and there are so many hurtles. Sober life sucks in the beginning, because we’re no longer medicating the feelings we’ve been trying to avoid and they come right up to the surface. Of course we want to push them back down the best way we know how. I practiced getting fucked up over feeling for YEARS, and it took just as long to practice using other coping skills until I could work through the shit and find me again. Does that process sound fun? NOOO. And it wasn’t. I cannot tell you that at some point recovery will become a cake walk, but I can tell you that as you continue to practice healthy coping skills, it will get a bit easier. And one day you’ll look back on these days and wonder how you ever survived yourself as long as you did. 🙂 We are hear for you, and I hope you’ll continue to move forward – on your own terms – and understand that it’s not necessarily about defects in your character. We do the best we can with the tools we have. My unhealthy tools got me through some REALLY tough times, and I am so grateful for that. I may no longer need them in my life today, but that doesn’t mean I don’t honor them as life saving. Letting go sounds easy, but it’s anything but. Please allow yourself time and space and compassion as you continue to put one foot in front of the other. You WILL achieve whatever goals you set so long as you don’t give up. Please don’t give up. XO

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