I’ve Tried, But I’m Not Ready To Stop Drinking
I am an alcoholic.
I’ve known for years and sometimes I actually use it as an excuse to drink. I’m not ready to stop because I can still convince myself that it’s working; it’s doing its job.
I like feeling numb.
Feelings are often too much for me to handle and I’m afraid of them. I drink and they go away…sometimes.
I drink for those times.
Every time I start, I pray to not remember; to not do something that others will. I fear that it is understood in my house, by my husband and children, that I will never get sober. I read your posts and want so badly to identify with the happy and peaceful feelings associated with sobriety, but I don’t.
I read your posts, and I secretly hate you for being so comfortable with the truth about yourselves. I want to feel better, but I don’t know how to stop hurting myself. I drink alone and all the time. I know that people know and I’m ashamed, but it never stops me. If anything it only fuels more drinking.
I hate myself, and the woman I’ve become, but I don’t feel capable of making the life changes necessary to get and stay sober.
I’ve tried! Four times I’ve tried to stop drinking, and have kept track of my days in a journal. No one in the house talks about my drinking so we don’t talk about my not drinking either. I’m sure they’re privately all just waiting for me to fail anyway…like I always do.
And then I drink again…just to take the edge off. And soon I find myself sitting in the corner of my bedroom drunk AGAIN; wishing I wasn’t, wondering how the fuck it happened. I’m so tired of letting everyone down.
I’m grateful for this website even though I don’t belong here yet. I’m grateful that I can feel like a part of your stories even if I’m holding a drink while reading them. I’m grateful for your stories and the courage you all have to share them openly, with your names attached.
I’m not there yet. I’m not ready to stop drinking.
But you give me the hope that someday I will be.
This AMAZING post was submitted anonymously.
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.