I’m Sober And Stuck
I have been sober for a little over two weeks now and I’m not sure I like how I feel about it. I know I don’t like feeling. I left the hospital with a list of to-dos, and they all feel like insurmountable obstacles. I’m supposed to go to meetings, and get a sponsor, and pray every day, and talk to people.
I don’t know how to talk to people sober.
I don’t want to talk to people sober.
I’m finding it difficult to breathe without drugs and alcohol. I’m finding it hard to do everything without them. Most days I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel like I’m naked in front of everyone now. Like one of those nightmares where I forgot to get dressed before heading to work. I can’t look people in the face and I’m suddenly filled with fear about what they’re thinking about me. When I was high or drunk I didn’t care; at least I thought I didn’t.
Some of the people I work with know why I was hospitalized and some don’t. Honestly, I’m not sure which group I’m more afraid of every day.
My children don’t know how to react to me and, to be fair, the feelings are completely mutual. EVERYTHING IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE!! I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore. I don’t remember who I was before the drinking and drugs took over, and I don’t think I liked her much anyway. It feels like my skin doesn’t fit.
I don’t know what I’m doing. My husband and I haven’t been getting along very well because I feel like he doesn’t understand ANYTHING. He’s following me around like a puppy dog and I think waiting for me to break loose from my collar and run.
I feel like running today.
I wish that things were different so much. I wish I hadn’t made a mess of our lives. I wish my children weren’t burdened by my choices. I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic and addict.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
I wish people would leave me alone with the small talk, but I also wish more people would talk to me about what happened. I wish I didn’t feel surrounded by egg shells. Everyone seems to be tip toeing around me like I’m a grenade about to explode. It’s turning me into one and I wish I knew how to say BACK OFF without pushing everyone away. I appreciate the support, but I also want to breathe without people in my face!
I’m afraid of who I was and who I might still be. I’m afraid of who I might become and who I’ll never be.
It’s not fair and I want to have a fit. They said in the hospital that a grateful heart won’t use and drink so I’m trying to stay positive. I’m know I’m lucky to have my job still and I’m lucky I didn’t die. I am grateful for my children and that my husband didn’t divorce me…yet. I’m glad I have another chance at life.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.