I have been sober for a little over two weeks now and I’m not sure I like how I feel about it. I know I don’t like feeling. I left the hospital with a list of to-dos, and they all feel like insurmountable obstacles. I’m supposed to go to meetings, and get a sponsor, and pray every day, and talk to people.
I don’t know how to talk to people sober.
I don’t want to talk to people sober.
I’m finding it difficult to breathe without drugs and alcohol. I’m finding it hard to do everything without them. Most days I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel like I’m naked in front of everyone now. Like one of those nightmares where I forgot to get dressed before heading to work. I can’t look people in the face and I’m suddenly filled with fear about what they’re thinking about me. When I was high or drunk I didn’t care; at least I thought I didn’t.
Some of the people I work with know why I was hospitalized and some don’t. Honestly, I’m not sure which group I’m more afraid of every day.
My children don’t know how to react to me and, to be fair, the feelings are completely mutual. EVERYTHING IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE!! I don’t know who I’m supposed to be anymore. I don’t remember who I was before the drinking and drugs took over, and I don’t think I liked her much anyway. It feels like my skin doesn’t fit.
I don’t know what I’m doing. My husband and I haven’t been getting along very well because I feel like he doesn’t understand ANYTHING. He’s following me around like a puppy dog and I think waiting for me to break loose from my collar and run.
I feel like running today.
I wish that things were different so much. I wish I hadn’t made a mess of our lives. I wish my children weren’t burdened by my choices. I wish I wasn’t an alcoholic and addict.
I wish. I wish. I wish.
I wish people would leave me alone with the small talk, but I also wish more people would talk to me about what happened. I wish I didn’t feel surrounded by egg shells. Everyone seems to be tip toeing around me like I’m a grenade about to explode. It’s turning me into one and I wish I knew how to say BACK OFF without pushing everyone away. I appreciate the support, but I also want to breathe without people in my face!
I’m scared.
I’m afraid of who I was and who I might still be. I’m afraid of who I might become and who I’ll never be.
It’s not fair and I want to have a fit. They said in the hospital that a grateful heart won’t use and drink so I’m trying to stay positive. I’m know I’m lucky to have my job still and I’m lucky I didn’t die. I am grateful for my children and that my husband didn’t divorce me…yet. I’m glad I have another chance at life.
I just wish I knew what to do with it.
This post was submitted by Lucy.
photo credit: theglobalpanorama via photopin cc
13 Comments
My dear Lucy, I feel like I could’ve written this myself a few years ago, except I couldn’t put my finger on how I felt the way you have. I just felt awkward everywhere I went, all the time. I wish I could reach out and hold you. You aren’t alone in any of this! It’s so hard at first, but it does get easier.
You are still very new to this, and how you are feeling is soo understandable. I did not talk to anyone my first 3-4 weeks of being sober. I was scared to death and no idea what to do. The only prayer I knew to say – was please help me stay sober today. That is all I could do – Just remember that you don’t have to do this alone – no one said you had to do all of those things all at once. Break them down into manageable tasks. One of the first things I heard was you can’t eat an elephant in one bite. Sobriety seems like an elephant to you right now. Just take it a minute at a time. Get through that minute then the next. It is not going to be easy but I promise you it gets better. I promise you that.. You will know what to do and when you do you will be like, WOW, I got through that. Just live for today, this minute, this hour. The rest will come – You are not alone –
Lucy your such a brave woman for reaching out and that took enormous courage! In the beginning of recovery its overwhelming at times and the emotions you feel that you didn’t feel before are very raw. For me I started to journal because I’m a pretty private person and honestly was afraid of being judged BT others. It helped me identify the roller coaster of emotions I was feeling that day. Everybody has all sorts of advice and a how to do list but don’t let that overwhelm you, puck the things that you feel comfortable doing and start there!! There is no right or wrong way to get sober and stay sober. Everybody is different and just know that we are always here for you to help in anyway we can! We’ve been where you are and we believe in you, even if you find it hard yo believe in yourself:) Lots of love and hugs<3
Sometimes it’s one minute at a time. Try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and reach out when you’re feeling itchy. If email is easier than a face-to-face, feel free to send one anytime to julie@sobermommies(dot)com! You don’t have to do this alone, and I really hope that you don’t opt to. I’m so glad you submitted this. Thank you for reminding me of EXACTLY how it feels to get sober. It’s not easy, but it’s TOTALLY worth it. I PROMISE!
Please don’t give up.
Oh Lucy, great big ((hugs)) to you. Like all the other comments say–just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Be grateful for how far you’ve come and be hopeful for the future. It WILL get easier and it WILL be better. You are worth it. Your children deserve it. The best gift you could ever give them is your sobriety. And YOU, my friend, CAN do it.
i hear my own voice in this , it will be 3 years in novemeber ive been sober , and im still uncomfortable , ive just started to find me , and im still not sure . i rember looking at my sister and telling her krissy i dont know who i am if im not drunk , or how to be me sober . marriage well my husband and i are getting to know each other again , and the kids they forgive they just want there mom . you should be proud that youve made it this far , take it one day at a time , know its ok to feel the way you do . your sober and thats the biggest step everything else comes together and things change but so have you . be kind to yourself and just rember to breathe
Thanks for your reply to this. I too will be sober 3 years in November. Still uncomfortable still afraid of social events. One day at a time.is the only way I’m getting through this. Feeling what I feel. Finding out what is causing the anxiety. Dealing with it at the time. Taking care if myself. Not beating myself up. All courage and strength I lost are in me now. If I’m uncomfortable then I’m uncomfortable. It will get better and easier. One day at a time. Hold on…..The journey does have peace and awesome moments that makes you appreciate your sobriety. Hang in there.
I read this and smiled. Because you are at the beginning of a beautiful, frustrating journey. I definitely could have written this myself 15 months ago. I often think back and wonder what I was so scared of, but EVERYTHING was terrifying. One day you will come to see that you are not your mistakes. I wish I could give you 5 minutes of happiness to see that it does get better. It does get easier. It is a process. Trust the process. Keep fighting for this. You are worth it.
Hang in there, lady! I know that having a to-do list in early sobriety can be SO overwhelming. It’s a lot, especially to do sober. My best advice is to take one item on it at a time, because a whole list is too much to do but one item is totally doable!
Sending you lots of love and hugs. <3
Wow. I remember being there, just out of jail and scared to death of everything and everyone. I fought with my daughter, my boyfriend, my mother. but I got a sponsor, and I called her every day, because if I didn’t talk to her when there was nothing going on, I certainly wouldn’t be calling her when there was good reason to. I had never trusted myself, or been trusted. I had never cared what people thought–f*&# you if you don’t like me. I was not put on this earth to make you happy. I wanted to use…anything, just to keep from feeling the way I did. Once I went in for outpatient treatment 3x per week and meetings every day, things started to get easier. I won’t tell you how long I have now because when I was newly sober, I hated everyone who told me that someday I would get there too. How???? What was I supposed to pray about? I learned some Eastern philosophy, meditation, got some psych meds straightened out. I’m a recovering heroin addict, and have been on Suboxone, and while I know there are tons of people out there who don’t agree with it, I’m not one of them. Used responsibly, it saves lives. I don’t abuse it or try to get high off it, or sell it trade it etc. I’m a success story because I wanted to live more than I wanted to die, finally, and so I made that choice. One minute at a time, one prayer, one day, one meeting, one phone call. That is all I have to worry about is right now, and I can get through right now. Finally I have goals and dreams instead of just seeing the future as the pit from Saw II. I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world now, but back then I hated everything, and instead of being embarrassed about what happened, I got honest. Probably more than I should have, but I’m sick and tired of the stigma of addiction in “polite” society. I was sick. I have a brain disease, but I have treated it and I’m getting better. If that isn’t something to be proud of, then I don’t know what is. Good luck, God bless (She really does!) and take care of you!
Your honesty is so powerful. It took me over 3 months before I had the guts to reach out for help and even then, months and months before I felt anything but anger and confusion. I’m not going to tell you it gets easier, because in my experience easier doesn’t compute. What it gets, is worth it. Where you are, right now, is where so many will never be and that is incredible. It’s ok to feel as you do. It’s scary isn’t it? I know that place, and so do the small percentage of us that are lucky enough and strong enough to get there. It takes so much courage to be where you are and I so admire that you are there, confused, bewildered, scared, and still not using. Easier? I don’t know if it ever gets easier to fight addiction, but in my experience, it just became worth it. Take it slow. Do what you can for now, and the rest will come in time.
It’s like we have to learn everything all over again. It feels impossible and miserable, I know I don’t like being sober. I’ve made it just over two years.. is it easy yet? for me no. All I can do is tell myself “this will pass” and wait through anything that is difficult for me.
I so know how you feel. I’ve been there and am still there. I am days over 3 years sober. I don’t k ow how to be me sober in the social aspect. However, I am better now then I was at your stage of weeks sober. What I did is I MADE myself go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Ok so maybe I ended up doing 75 or 80. I went and didn’t say a word. I listened. I observed. I wanted what they had. I am a work in progress. I live one day at a time and that’s it. I get off that track and I’m spinning and creating my own chaos. My drunk days were just that. One long party. Well I’ve stood up and the party is over. I’m 3 yrs sober. Almost 2 years smoke free. Down 32 lbs and counting. My boys Andre my rock and rend keep me grounded. I am not o lyrics living to see them grow bit to see myself develop what I missed out on. A healthy alive happy me. Keep on going. You can do this. Have faith. And work the steps. One at a time. Seriously that program works. ..if you work it. Stay strong an moving forward. Tha ks for sharing. Because your post was my exact thoughts 3 years ago….