My Life Revolves Around Drinking
I watched my mother die shortly after Midnight on September 18, 2014.
She was an alcoholic. She was also my best friend.
She turned 65 while in the hospital, just four days before she died.
I don’t remember a time in my life where alcohol wasn’t present; whether it was my family or simply me. I drank in high school, but not as excessively as some of my classmates. I made up for it in college, blacking out was a normal occurrence along with occasional drug use. This continued through my 20s, until I became pregnant with my first child at age 29. I remember being home alone with my infant son one day while he was crying non-stop, and pouring a glass of wine into a coffee cup on my way outside to smoke.
It was 10 am.
I stopped drinking heavily for a couple of years because my husband and I wanted to quit smoking and I was busy being a (perfect!) mom. In 2002, my brother was charged with vehicular manslaughter and sentenced to eight years in prison. Luckily, it forced him to get sober. He is currently very active in AA and has been sober ever since.
Over the years my drinking has gone up and down, but it certainly escalated after my third child was born. I have been drinking mostly every night – a few drinks a night on the weekdays – too many on the weekends – for the past two years. Since my mom died, it has gotten out of control. Packing up her house I started drinking at noon.
My life revolves around drinking.
I think about it all day.
I tell myself when I wake up in the morning, feeling like crap, that I will stop. I went to an Al-Anon meeting today with a friend whose husband is in recovery, and promised myself I will stop because I don’t want my children to be there in 15 years.
I loathe myself.
I embarrass myself, I say ridiculous things to people, I post way too much information on social media, and I rush my kids to bed so I can continue drinking. And I sit here writing this on my third beer, knowing I need to stop.
I just don’t know how.
I keep thinking of all of the things I will miss. Wine tours, fun cocktails with dinner, parties, visiting craft breweries. I just keep thinking about it. And then I look at my kids; and while I know me getting sober might not save them from the disease, it will, at least save them from the drunken me; the less than 100% mom. I just ran out to sneak a smoke while they were eating. I am so tired of waking up feeling like junk. I am getting to the point where I don’t remember the nights before or going to sleep. I always think what if something happened to my kids, and they needed to go to the hospital. What if I weren’t able to take them in the middle of the night? They deserve better. I deserve better. Perhaps my mother’s death was a sign for me to stop and assess where I am at.
I know I have to stop – stop it all. I am not there, but I am close.
This post was submitted by Anonymous.
A Sober Mommies Contributor is most often a non-professional – in and out of recovery – with reality-based experience to share about motherhood & active addiction, the multiple pathways to recovery, or a family member’s perspective.