Our 12-step group gives out tags for clean time; to recognize and congratulate certain lengths. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion. For a while now, when the nine-month tag is announced, some can be heard yelling out, “pregnant with recovery, not by someone in recovery.”
It’s exhausting to be in active addiction, you never get a break. You’re always worried about your next high; so much so, that you don’t even enjoy the high you’ve got. It’s exhausting keeping the lies straight, trying to meet new people to steal from, and trying to keep loved ones off your back.
I never believed that food was actually an addiction. I would find myself in halfway houses and long-term treatment women’s programs, binging and purging, med seeking to get medications where the side effects included weight loss. I was trying to starve myself and failing miserably every time.
I knew people who had been on for five to ten years or longer and their lives had not improved—so I did not see medication-assisted recovery as a way out of active addiction. In my vastly under-informed opinion, it was just a way to work the system and get your buzz for free.